Written by Carrie Jones
1. Remember Buffy, the Vampire Slayer? She was a cheerleader and came back from the dead, slayed demons, and still knew the importance of friends. Yes. She was a fictional character, and occasionally sulky and a control freak, but that’s what happens when you face multiple apocalypses while trading quips.
2. If Rick Grimes was a cheerleader, the Walking Dead would be much more fun. Think: Back tuck decapitations. Think: Staddle jumps of doom. Plus, better hair.
3. On that same thread of thought, cheerleaders are great motivators. It’s what they do. They build support amongst the team members even when that team is losing 100-3 in the third quarter of the state class b basketball game. You want that kind of attitude when you’re battling an apocalyptic situation involving aliens, don’t you? Yes. You do. You don’t want an Eeyore beside you when you’re fighting aliens.
4. Strong calves. The world is better with strong calves.
5. Brains. Most cheerleaders have better than a B grade point average. What does that mean? It means cheerleaders can think and concentrate and do well on standardized tests. I told you to push aside the stereotypes. The dumb cheerleader? That’s a rare creature. Sort of like Big Foot. You think they are all over the place, but it turns out that it was just a lot of bros hanging out in furry suits they bought on Amazon when they were bored.
6. Fighting aliens is going to take athletic prowess. Cheerleaders are astonishingly good athletes. They hoist people over their heads. Think about that. DO NOT TRY IT YOURSELF! Just think about it. That’s strength. They have to be flexible. They have to do tumbling runs, dances, cheers, and yell things all at the same time. They train for this. You want them on your side. Believe me.
7. They are used to danger. Cheering requires tumbling. Tumbling means doing back hand springs, round-offs into back tucks. It means throwing the physical mass that is your own living body into these weird upside down positions that bodies are not safe to go into.
8. They are used to danger. Yes, this is here twice. Have you ever stood in front of a couple hundred angry fans of an opposing team and still yelled, “Blue. White. Blue. White. Let’s fight?” Probably not, unless you are a cheerleader. You have to stay peppy even when people throw hotdogs at you. Hotdogs can be dangerous. Aliens, too, are dangerous.
9. They are used to danger. Yep, this is three times. Cheerleaders do these things called ‘stunts.’ They are called stunts for a reason. That reason is defined by Merriam-Webster as “An unusual or difficult feat requiring great skill or daring.” What happens if you don’t have that great skill? You get hurt. Cheerleaders build pyramids of bodies. They stand on one leg sometimes and grab their foot behind them. They fling each other into the air in basket tosses and catch each other. This is bad ass. There’s no other way to say it, honestly. It’s just bad ass.
10. They know how to work as a team. You can’t do a stunt by yourself. Well, not very well. Cheerleaders know how to work in a group, how to play to their skills, how to fight together. Believe me. If aliens kidnap your mom, you want a cheerleader to have your back. They are used to catching bodies that are being flung around, spotting each other in case there is danger, and not even breaking a sweat.
So, yeah, if you’re building an alien apocalypse team, add cheerleader to your list. Trust me. You won’t regret it.
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