In TJ Klune’s Under the Whispering Door, our protagonist, Wallace Price, unfortunately meets an untimely end…and his ex has a LOT to say about the life he left behind. Check out very colorful obituary of the dearly departed Wallace Price below.
Wallace Price was born on [REDACTED] and passed away on [REDACTED] at the age of forty. While his passing was unexpected, at the very least, he died in the one place he loved more than anything else in the world: his office at the firm of Moore, Price, Hernandez & Worthington, where he was a partner. This is not a compliment.
He is survived by an extended family who have nothing nice to say about him (not their fault—Wallace ignored their existence), and an ex-wife—Naomi Byrne—who has the unfortunate task of trying to find something nice to say about a man who absolutely does not deserve it. He is preceded in death by his mother and father, two people who didn’t know how to show love and affection. While we are a product of our parents, many people have had terrible families and risen above it to become loving, functioning members of society. It makes one wonder what went so terribly wrong with Wallace.
Wallace Price was not a good man. He was selfish, ruthless, and more often than not, forgot he was married to someone who supported him when others thought he would fail. To Wallace’s credit, he did not fail, at least when it came to his position as a lawyer.
For everything else, however, Wallace proved to be quite inadequate. Though he was extraordinarily intelligent, his drive to become the best consumed him, and destroyed any chance he had at happiness. That being said, it’s unclear if Wallace ever knew what happiness was, given that almost every action he performed was self-serving and without a care of who he trampled on.
To avoid this obituary from becoming too critical, it should be noted that Wallace had nice hair and expensive suits.
He was also distant, uncaring, and for the life of him, could not remember important events such as birthdays, holidays, anniversaries or vacations planned six months in advance. But if he was supposed to be in court, you can bet he’d be there, right on time, and fully prepared to get as much money for his rich clients as possible.
The world is not any brighter or darker now that Wallace is gone. It just is. Perhaps, in his passing, Wallace Price will find peace, though it’s doubtful. He’s probably already arguing with whatever deity you believe in, trying to find a loophole so he can return and continue his reign of terror. If that’s to be the case, it’s said that headshots work best for the undead. This is not a call to action, but a reminder that zombies can be taken out quite easily should the need arise.
Do not send flowers. Do not send condolences. If you are moved to contribute financially—why, though?—consider making a donation in Wallace’s name to something he’d hate.
There will be a service, but please do not feel obligated to attend. It will be short so we can all finally breathe a sigh of relief that Wallace Price will never again darken any doorway. Hopefully, with him gone, those of us who knew him will find peace once again.
Goodbye, Wallace, and good riddance.
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