Would You Swipe Right for These SFF Characters?
Look some of us have already dreamed of dating fictional heroes (and villains). But what if SFF characters had Tinder profiles?
Authors Sarah Gailey, Duncan Hamilton, Tamsyn Muir, Brian Naslund, S.L Huang, Saad Z. Hossain, and Cate Glass indulged us and wrote up Tinder profiles for a few Magic X Mayhem characters.
Swipe up. We dare you.*
Please do not swipe in any direction, these are fake buttons.
TEACHER, 10,000
???? miles away
Welcome! Welcome, on this happy day, to my Tinder profile. For ten thousand years I have waited in holy silence and solemn adoration of the one who is beyond death, the Kindly Resurrector, and now the time has arrived for me to be taken to the IHOP. Will it be you, child, who is found worthy of buying me a plate of Original Full Stack Buttermilk Pancakes? Perhaps it will. Or perhaps it will not! But oh, how glorious to fail in so sacred an endeavour. Lightly your bones shall lie, honoured for all time as one who gave their life’s blood to procure me an order of Rooty Tooty Fresh ‘n Fruity(R) Pancakes at the IHOP, along with a vanilla milkshake, which is my favourite. I cannot tell you how to take me to the IHOP; I do not know where the nearest IHOP is. Indeed, I am unsure whether the IHOP is even open at this time. This is a path that only you can walk – you, and the others who have come here in hope of the ultimate prize. There is little I know, and less I understand. All my faith tells me is that by the end of today – either on your dime, or another’s – I will be tucking into a heaped platter of Mexican Tres Leches Pancakes and a deliciously chilled vanilla milkshake, and that to me is the most beautiful mystery of them all.
Ivy Gamble, mind your own business
Oakland
Seeking: No one, whatever, anyone
About: I’m probably too busy for friends or dating but whatever, I’ll try this thing out. Let’s get together for lots of drinks and no conversation about our pasts or emotions. Needy people need not apply. Don’t message me (please message me).
Guillot dal Villevauvais, Gill for short
Mirabay
Former renowned swordsman seeks female, 30-40, for activities including, but not limited to, dragonslaying, overthrowing tyrants, and encountering ancient evils.
And romantic walks.
Silas Bershad, 32
Terra
6′ 5″, 230 pounds
Full disclosure, I was convicted of a horrific crime by the King of Almira. But that was more than 10 years ago and it was a total misunderstanding.
Hobbies: Stalking dragons, killing dragons, drinking after killing dragons. Down to meet up for a beer before a slaying, too, in case I die.
Pretty outdoorsy. Mostly because I’m not technically allowed to sleep indoors or the king’ll have my head cut off (’cause of the whole exile thing). If you can bring your own tent, that’s a plus.
Swipe right if you like dragon tattoos, I have a bunch of them. But I also have a lot of body scarring from dragon-related injuries. Not the hot kind, though, like Geralt of Rivia. My body is kind of a mess. Just trying to be transparent here.
Not looking for anything long term because it’s very likely I’ll be dead in a week
Can’t host due to the 14-year exile / technically being homeless
What the people of Almira are saying about Silas Bershad:
“Don’t believe those stories about his foot-long cock. I mean, it’s fine, but it’s not legendary or anything.” – The Baroness of Umbrik’s Glade
“Silas Bershad is an asshole.” – The Baron of Umbrik’s Glade
Melek Ahmer, ageless and undying
Katmandu
Melek Ahmer. Djinn King of Tuesday. And Mars. And copper. The Red King. Really just an all round top guy. Asleep for 5000 years so well rested. I like long walks, trampling the wildlife, and causing extinction level events. There will definitely be candlelight dinners, as electrical systems tend to malfunction around me. I also enjoy pets, specially mountain goats because they are very useful and we can eat them if we are hungry and also I can makes shoes and sarongs out of them.
I’m really interested in settling down with someone not a violent psychopath, someone who gets me, and cares about the simple things in life like eating, drinking, partying and occasional tyranny.
Cas Russell, MYOB
Los Angeles
Independent ace mercenary seeks same. Don’t expect calls, texts, or any level of emotional support. But if people are out to kill you, I’ve got your back.
Note: I sleep with my gun.
Zanj, 5000
Pirate Queen
old school > new school
“Anything less than the best is a felony”
Placidio di Vasil
Cantagna
Background: Don’t ask. I mean, really don’t.
Swordfighting > Weaving
Swordfighting > Bathing
Swordfighting > Singing
Mead > Ale
Scars (mine) > Death (mine)
Considering the three elements of combat > Diving into a fight like a lunatic (you know who you are)
Ignore the hot woman I hang with (yes, I do respect her mind.) And ignore the feisty lad (not my kid, because I just don’t—reasons private) and the married guy who does weird things with paint, because I have nothing in common with him. Or any of them.
OK, never mind. I knew you were going to say that.
Stay tuned for more #magicXmayhem all summer long!
