What to Do If You Wake Up With a Bloody Knife In Your Bed

By Sherri Smith

What would you do if you woke up with a bloody knife in your bed?

No idea? Well I’ve got the answers for you!

Hey, we’ve all done it right? Woken up to something or someone in our bed and not remembered how it got there. I mean, usually it’s a person, but ever since marijuana became legal in Canada—there’s also a whole lot of Maltesers* rolling around in the flannel sheets.

But what if you wake up next to a bloody knife? Unlike one-stands, there’s just no standard etiquette on how to deal with that.  So I thought I would come with 10 things NOT to do, if you find yourself in this predicament.

  1. Don’t panic. Surely you just drunkenly ate a raw steak the night before.
  2. Once you realize there’s no steak in your home and that you’ve been a vegetarian for twenty years: don’t touch it! One word: forensics. Sure, there’s probably already a ton of DNA on it from your bed, but why add to it?
  3. Don’t get out of bed on the same side as the knife (same as the morning after a one-night stand.) You might cut yourself.
  4. Once you’re safely out of bed, don’t use it to make a sandwich. You don’t know whose blood that is and what sort of contagions it carries!
  5. Don’t stir your morning coffee with it either, because stirring with a knife causes strife. Or so my mom says.
  6. Don’t tuck the knife back under your pillow. The tooth-fairy is not going to clean up your messes for you.
  7. Don’t take a selfie with it. That’s super incriminating.
  8. Don’t put it in the dishwasher, because again, forensics, and you will eventually need to get to the bottom of whose blood it is.
  9. Don’t cower in the corner of your bedroom. Instead, take a quick survey of your home to make sure there isn’t a body anywhere.
  10. Do call the police. Call them as soon as possible. Your lawyer too. Be as honest as possible. If you’re too hung-over and need to run out for a hair-of-the-dog bloody Mary first, well then use duct-tape and a sharpie to make your own POLICE LINE DO NOT CROSS barrier.

If you follow the above steps you’ll probably still not be OK at all. You’re welcome!

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*Note from the Forge Team: We had to look these up too. American readers, Maltesers are strangely delicious Canadian candies that are kind of like Whoppers.