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Motherhood and the Zombie Apocalypse

Image Place holder  of - 61What would you do if the zombie apocalypse actually happened? Would you pull a Walking Dead and drag out the crossbow you have under the bed (just in case)? Or would you perhaps…rather not deal with it at all.

Olivie Blake, author of The Atlas Six (now available in paperback!), joins us on the blog to discuss motherhood, the zombie apocalypse, and how those two things connect.

Check it out here!


By Olivie Blake

Hi. I’m Olivie Blake. I’m the mother of a teething goblin who never sleeps and whose laugh lights up my soul like a thousand choirs of angels. And if the apocalypse comes, I have no choice. I have to stay alive.

This is not how I would prefer things to be.

I once got into a heated argument over a nacho party platter about why I have no desire to live through any sort of apocalypse scenario. My opponent (sorry, acquaintance) said that she would be willing to survive because she was “curious.” I, on the other hand, was not curious. At all. What happens, I ranted, when there is no more energy company to give you electricity, no more indoor plumbing, nothing left in the stores and so you have to weave and sew your own clothing—how can anyone navigate the lawlessness of human nature under apocalyptic circumstances? My acquaintance said she could probably handle a gun, I said this wasn’t just a matter of weapons efficacy. This was about surviving in a primal state where she and I (similarly built women of unimpressive size and strength) were no longer the apex predators. It was not only my dearest wish to avoid the emotional trauma of watching society collapse—I was simply Not Going to Do It.

“Well, I’m still curious,” she said. We never spoke again.

The point isn’t that I’m insufferable at parties, although that’s one possible takeaway. In her book Little Labors, Rivka Galchen wrote this tiny little essay called “New Variety of Depression.” It turns out, she perfectly summed up my life. It’s true what they say, that a baby gives you a reason to live. But also, a baby is a reason that it is not permissible to die. There are days when this does not feel good. 

So, yes. If the apocalypse comes I have no choice. I have to stay alive for my son.

When I was asked to write something about being a writer and a new parent, I’m sure this is not at all what my editors had in mind. Presumably I’m supposed to be talking about how hard it is to find the time to answer an email, much less write a manuscript, or what it’s like to try to be cerebral and innovative when I haven’t slept more than two consecutive hours in over eight months. Or maybe something about how the labor of having to preemptively cater to everyone else’s needs is enough to make anyone think okay, forget the novel, I need a nap. There are a thousand—a million—blog posts to write about how exhausted I feel, how terrified and insecure I am at any given moment as both a person and an artist. About how unrecognizable my mind and my body are. About how much I fear the inevitability of my old friend depression returning to me, and whether I will find the strength to carry it all when I am inevitably forced to greet it.

Instead, I want to speculate about the doom days. Specifically, how I think my reluctant survival will play out should the zombie apocalypse begin today.

Let’s start with my fighting capacity, since that’s where people like to start at parties (from which I am understandably banned). I boxed quite seriously for three years before I got too pregnant to move, so I’m not what I’d call weak or incapable of combat, though I lost nearly all of my muscle tone to pregnancy and it would take a long time to gain it back. I’m not actually angry about this, because when my son was born I told myself it was better to be a little soft and squishy so that he could sleep long and restfully, or at least as long and restfully as he ever did. Being softer has made me kinder to myself, which was unexpected. After a lifetime of vanity and hatred and never for one moment thinking I deserved to find myself beautiful just as I was, I can look at myself now and be grateful. Which means if I get attacked by a zombie I’m probably screwed. But I can’t die, because if I do, who will be the softness for my son when he can’t sleep?

I’m a pretty good cook, although I buy everything from Trader Joe’s and have no gardening experience whatsoever. In fact I’ve killed a lot of plants. But my mother is Filipino, my stepfather is a chef, and for us food is a language of love, and thus a language in which I am fluent. My son is just beginning to eat solid foods, and so far his only loves are 1) purees I freeze as popsicles for his sore gums, 2) mandarin oranges, 3) peanut butter. When he first tastes a food, he usually doesn’t want to eat it with his hands or a self-feeding spoon. He likes to eat it first from my finger. So while I don’t know if I can do the whole self-subsisting farmer thing, I obviously will have to. Because if I don’t, who will teach my son to eat, or help him understand that “I made this for you” means love?

I’m not sure what use I am to the post-apocalypse society, vocationally speaking. I assume nobody will want books about homicidal magic nerds anymore since we live in a world where zombies eat brains. I don’t think I’m the first person to realize their main skills aren’t all that useful for the proverbial end of days, though I suppose that if there’s one thing motherhood has helped with, it’s to make things a lot less existential. Why do I exist? What’s my purpose? These are the questions you don’t ask yourself when you’re running on pure adrenaline and one or two bites of whatever’s about to expire in the fridge (and there’s no fridge anymore, remember, because of the zombies). For so long now, it’s been my job—or rather, my self-appointed task—to ask these questions, and although the existence of my son has reset most of my priorities, it hasn’t erased my need to understand the outer limits of myself, where I end and others begin. So now, when I ask myself why am I here/do I matter/why was I of all people spared from the zombie pandemic that recently destroyed society—I am usually pondering while holding my son. You could argue in some deeply theoretical way (aka the way we no longer have any use for, in the apocalypse) that by having a child, I have already made my efforts to live, in some form, forever. I have done my due diligence for the species. Now the question is how do I live.

The answer, as far as I can gather, is one day at a time. I can’t exist only for the day when my baby finally sleeps through the night or when the zombies invariably come for my softer, squishier form because it would mean missing every moment in between. I can no longer count down until the end. Every heartbreaking moment when he stands on his own without me I realize, paradoxically, that it is my job to teach him how to walk away. Every moment he makes a sound that maybe, might be, only-if-I’m-dreaming (but aren’t I allowed to dream?) sound like “mama” is a moment of my heart. If I am focused on the ending, I will miss them. Every moment that he stirs in his sleep and whimpers and I know, even if science disagrees, that he is having a nightmare and it’s my job to be there when he opens his eyes. Every moment he cries and every time he smiles and every breath he takes that reminds me of the time I sat alone in my car and realized there were two hearts beating inside my body, his and mine. If I am waiting for the worst, I will miss this. I will miss all these moments, and if I miss them, then I will miss the excruciating highs and piercing lows of human experience that it has always been my job, and my dream, to write about.

Possibly you have guessed by now (if you’re unfamiliar with my work) that my book is very, well, thinky. It’s character-driven and meandering at times, there are high emotional highs and low emotional lows, and it asks questions like ‘hey what should we do with knowledge and power’ and also, ‘is it someone’s right to have more of it or someone else’s curse to have less?’ And maybe that isn’t your thing, and you should probably avoid me at dinner parties, if we even have those anymore (you know, because of the zombies). Ultimately, the point I came here to make is that life as a mother is harder than it was before. My work is infinitely more difficult to complete and also more challenging to perform. But also, the scope of my experience goes deeper. I have felt more tired, more hopeless, and also more ecstatic and triumphant and yes, fuck it, #blessed than I could have ever imagined, and even though the apocalypse presumably holds zombies with machetes and no working toilets to be found and I am sure, quite sure, that I will suffer in ways I have yet to understand—despite all of this, I have to keep living.

There are days when this does not feel good. And then there are days when the nachos are delicious, and my son kind of says “mama,” and my husband kisses me without looking because he’s done it a million times before, and I send in my revised draft a little bit later than I wanted to, but I still send it. And life is torturous. And it is beautiful. And it is imperfect.

And it goes on.

Olivie Blake is the pseudonym of Alexene Farol Follmuth, a lover and writer of stories. She has penned several indie SFF projects, including the webtoon Clara and the Devil with illustrator Little Chmura and the BookTok-viral Atlas series. As Alexene, she has written a young adult rom-com, My Mechanical Romance. She lives in Los Angeles with her husband, new baby, and rescue pit bull.

Purchase The Atlas Six Here:

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Excerpt: The Discord of Gods by Jenn Lyons

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Placeholder of  -94The Discord of Gods marks the epic conclusion to Jenn Lyons’s Chorus of Dragons series, closing out the saga that began with The Ruin of Kings, for fans of Brandon Sanderson and Patrick Rothfuss.

THEIR CONFLICT COULD END THEM ALL.

Relos Var’s final plans to enslave the universe are on the cusp of fruition. He believes there’s only one being in existence that might be able to stop him: the demon Xaltorath.

As these two masterminds circle each other, neither is paying attention to the third player on the board, Kihrin. Unfortunately, keeping himself classified in the ‘pawn’ category means Kihrin must pretend to be everything the prophecies threatened he’d become: the destroyer of all, the sun eater, a mindless, remorseless plague upon the land. It also means finding an excuse to not destroy the people he loves (or any of the remaining Immortals) without arousing suspicion.

Kihrin’s goals are complicated by the fact that not all of his ‘act’ is one. His intentions may be sincere, but he’s still being forced to grapple with the aftereffects of the corrupted magic ritual that twisted both him and the dragons. Worse, he’s now tied to a body that is the literal avatar of a star — a form that is becoming increasingly, catastrophically unstable. All of which means he’s running out of time.

After all, some stars fade — but others explode.

Please enjoy this free excerpt of The Discord of Gods by Jenn Lyons, on sale 04/26/2022.


Precis

Our story starts a little over four months previous. Also, four years previously. And four hundred years previously . . . and four thousand . . . and fourteen thousand.

Let’s work our way forward.

Fourteen thousand years ago, human settlers invaded this dimension from another, fleeing the death of their universe. They were ill-prepared to deal with a world where magic existed and where they could neither easily die nor reproduce. They survived and made a home here, but it’s most important that you know this: two of the settlers were brothers named S’arric and Rev’arric. S’arric was popular. Rev’arric was smart. Eventually, Rev’arric came to loathe that difference.

Four thousand years ago, a second invasion occurred, this time by a race of telepathic, incorporeal monsters who thrived on pain and fear. This invasion damaged the barrier between this world and its twin, a shadowy Afterlife from which all souls came and eventually returned. Now humans could be killed and could have children, but this seemed an ill reward for being slowly destroyed by demons they couldn’t fight.

Rev’arric, smart man that he was, figured out a way. He devised a ritual to empower Eight Guardians, giving them godlike powers and the ability to follow demons even into the Afterlife. But he assumed he’d be one of the people picked for this, and when his brother was chosen instead, Rev’arric was overwhelmed with jealousy and hate.

So, when he discovered that the dimensional breach the demons had created would eventually annihilate the universe, he didn’t hesitate at a solution which required his brother’s destruction. He tricked his brother into participating in a second ritual, meant to elevate Rev’arric and turn his brother into a thrall under his control. Instead, it turned Rev’arric and the eight other participants into insane dragons and turned S’arric into a horrifying monster under no one’s control. This obliterated their country, formed the Blight, killed millions, and created both the Cornerstones and the sword Urthaenriel. Their people, the Voras, eventually imprisoned S’arric (now called Vol Karoth) at the cost of their immortality, but not before he killed the rest of the original Eight Guardians. One of the Cornerstones, the Stone of Shackles, was used to bind the demons, effectively ending the war. But it was too late: the Voras had been plunged into a dark age from which they never recovered. A cycle in which Vol Karoth’s prison would weaken and could only be repaired by the sacrifice of an entire people’s immortality would repeat several times.

Over four hundred years ago, Vol Karoth’s prison weakened once more, but this time he woke. The Eight Guardians (now called the Eight Immortals) had been resurrected, but none of them were prepared to fight their former leader. Worse, upon waking Vol Karoth broke the sun, turning it from yellow to orange-red. After repairing Vol Karoth’s prison, the Quuros emperor, Kandor, invaded the Manol and was slain. Kandor’s wife, Elana, snuck into the Blight to stop the morgage. She also remembered that she’d once been S’arric’s lover, C’indrol, and so tried to separate S’arric from “Vol Karoth.” She succeeded, after a fashion, sending fragments of S’arric’s souls into the Afterlife, where he slowly healed. S’arric, Kandor, and Elana would all later volunteer to be reincarnated to stop Vol Karoth, joined by the first emperor of Quur, Simillion.

Four years ago, a street thief named Kihrin stumbled upon a demonic summoning, gaining the attention of a particular evil necromancer named Gadrith, a particularly evil demon named Xaltorath, and a particularly evil Quuros prince named Darzin. The later snatched the boy up, claiming to be Kihrin’s father. In reality, Darzin’s master, that necromancer, Gadrith, wanted an artifact that Kihrin unknowingly wore: the Stone of Shackles. Kihrin ran away, and while he technically escaped Darzin, he didn’t escape being sold into slavery and auctioned off in a far-away land. There, he was almost bought by Rev’arric, now cured of his insanity, passing himself off as human, and going by the name Relos Var. Instead, Kihrin was purchased by a cult working for the Goddess of Death, Thaena (one of the Eight Immortals). Kihrin spent the next four years on a tropical island, training. Also falling in love, having his heart broken, running afoul of a different dragon, discovering he was the reincarnation of S’arric, and trying to convince himself that his feelings for Thaena’s son, Teraeth (the reincarnation of Kandor), weren’t romantic.

Four months ago, Kihrin returned to the Capital City with Teraeth and a weather witch named Tyentso, in order to stop Gadrith’s plans and free Gadrith’s son Thurvishar (who was the reincarnation of Simillion). Instead, Gadrith captured Kihrin, gained the Stone of Shackles, sacrificed Kihrin to Xaltorath, sparked a Hellmarch, and swapped bodies with the Emperor of Quur. But Kihrin didn’t stay dead, and he found what Gadrith had been seeking first: the god-slaying Urthaenriel, which Kihrin promptly used to kill Darzin, Gadrith, and break the Stone of Shackles. This broke all the gaeshe that kept demons under control, unleashing chaos. Also, Tyentso ended up becoming the Empress of Quur.

Kihrin fled the Capital, hoping to find an ally against Relos Var in the form of a mysterious figure called the Black Knight. This turned out to be Janel, the reincarnation of Elana. She’d fought her own battles against Xaltorath and Relos Var, but now wanted Kihrin’s help killing the dragon Morios, whom she believed would soon destroy the Jorat capital, Atrine. Although this threat was real, it was also a trap set by Relos Var, meant to separate Kihrin from Urthaenriel. It worked. It also woke Vol Karoth and damaged his prison.

Four fortnights ago, the Eight Immortals dispatched Kihrin, Teraeth, Janel, and Thurvishar to the Manol in order to make sure the last immortal race did their part to repair Vol Karoth’s prison. The vané king said “no”—by drugging the four and leaving them in the Blight to die. In the aftermath, they realized the situation was more complicated than they’d realized, and that the Eight Immortals weren’t pure of intentions. When Thaena proved willing to murder her own son and destroy an entire nation to fix Vol Karoth’s prison, Kihrin was forced to ally with Relos Var to stop her. By the time the dust settled, four immortals, including Thaena, were dead. Kihrin decided on a rash course of action: to merge back with Vol Karoth in the hope of ruining Relos Var’s plans to replace the Eight Immortals with himself.

Four days ago, Relos Var’s apprentice Senera switched sides. She kidnapped a dozen people during a dual kraken/dragon attack on the island of Devors and took them to a magical lighthouse where time ran fast. She’d hoped that Kihrin’s loved ones would help him fight off Vol Karoth, but the group realized it was the wrong approach: Kihrin and Vol Karoth were no longer separate entities. The only way to “win” was to help Kihrin—and themselves—overcome his trauma.

And in a few minutes, Kihrin—once called Vol Karoth, and before that, S’arric—will break free from his prison. Janel and Teraeth will return to the Manol to reclaim a throne. Thurvishar and Senera will try to recover Urthaenriel. Empress Tyentso will struggle to save an empire that’s always hated her. Relos Var will begin his final plans to control the dragons, enslave Vol Karoth, heal the dimensional breach, and make himself a god. And Xaltorath will attempt to steal enough energy to unravel the universe.

And here we go.

 Step One: Gather Information

Kihrin’s story

(in which Kihrin’s plan is revealed to be exactly the opposite)

Wandering in the Blight

The day of Vol Karoth’s escape, just after dawn

I’d started contemplating next steps before I’d freed myself from that ever-solovely prison in Kharas Gulgoth. Or what had been my prison. The Korthaen Blight looked much the same as it always had, or rather, as it had since everything had gone wrong.

In some ways, it was worse to remember what it had been like, before. When this had been a garden full of life and beauty, growing wild and lush under a yellow sun. When the city of Karolaen was a wonder—even if it had ultimately been a refugee camp for the voras as we ran from Nythrawl and the demon invasion.

Now, it was a corrupted, ruined landscape. The devastation was so total that it had fractured the earth itself, creating a hot spot that fed toxic thermal springs and sulfur-laced fumes, which poisoned the ground so utterly that it was a shock that anything had ever been able to grow here at all.

Korthaen meant “the Land of Death.” Perhaps not the most original of names, but certainly accurate. It still amazed me that the morgage had found a way to survive here at all, but they’d been extremely, extremely dedicated to keeping people away from Vol Karoth’s prison.

Of course, that had been before Vol Karoth had woken. Afterward, even the morgage had been forced to flee.

It wouldn’t have been safe for them to return either. Much as I wanted to think that everything would be fine now that I was “whole” again, that just wasn’t true. I couldn’t hold so much as a stone picked up off the ground without it disintegrating in my grip. I kept trying. It was a problem I’d need to solve.

Before I’d escaped (back when we were all still in that strange liminal space that was both Kharas Gulgoth and the Lighthouse at Shadrag Gor),1 I’d given the others all manner of tasks to accomplish: we’d discussed strategies, how to keep Relos Var from discovering what we were up to, and how to avoid the people who might cause problems. I’d gone out of my way to make sure everyone knew that I had a solid plan for what to do, a definite scheme, even if I was being cagey about the details. S’arric the general, leader of the Guardians, could naturally be counted on to formulate a battle plan for fighting the enemy, right?

I hadn’t been lying exactly . . .

Okay, fine. I was lying. There was no plan. Nothing even resembling a plan.

Rather, I had a plan for making a plan. A real and proper plan would be impossible while there were so many unknown variables beyond my control. I was going to need information and a lot of it before any such strategy could be formed.

Senera had used the Name of All Things on every question I could think of before she’d then used the Cornerstone to cure Drehemia’s insanity, destroying it as a result.2 But even such an artifact had limits. It couldn’t answer every question. It especially couldn’t answer questions about events that hadn’t yet occurred, that had occurred before its creation, or that might have occurred in an alternate time-line.

As far as the strategy itself, well . . .

I had no intention of behaving the way S’arric would have. Relos Var knew his brother far too well. No. I planned to take my cues from a more recent mentor: my adoptive mother, Ola. Who had been by her own admission a crook, a schemer, a rogue, and a swindler down to her core. Relos Var thought of his brother as being first and foremost a soldier: I had no intention of behaving like one.

Ola Nathera always used to say that the key to a good con lay in three factors: organization, execution, and finding an utter bastard.3

Whether said bastard was the con artist or the mark? Ah, now that was flexible and, depending on the answer, required a different approach. Once you figured out which was which, the rest was a matter of logistics.

Either one made for a successful con, but most of the time, it was safe to assume the “bastard” in question would be the con artist themselves. That’s because most of the time, the mark wasn’t a bad person.

This whole idea that you can’t con an honest man? Nonsense. Most cons don’t exploit greed or lust, despite what you always hear. Most cons exploit benevolence. They appeal to the sincere desire that most people genuinely have to help someone in need, then lure them in with the revelation that such assistance will also reward the mark for their altruism. What could possibly be more appealing than a charitable deed and profit wrapped up in a single act?4 These people want to help, and knowing that there’s literally no downside makes it an easy decision. It makes the entire situation fair to everyone involved so that ultimately everyone wins.

At least, that’s the sell. I would argue that it’s not greed but this desire for equity that takes most marks by the hand and leads them those final, fatal steps into the trap.

And then there’s the other kind of bastard.

That’s when the mark is someone who doesn’t give a shit who needs their help. Helping others isn’t a persuasive motivation, not even if they’ll be rewarded for it. They are, in fact, suspicious of such rewards, more likely to leave such a situation alone unless they can verify and double-verify. No, what they need is a situation where someone else is vulnerable. Where they, the mark, believe they’re in a position to exploit that vulnerability. These are the bastards who can be convinced to betray confidences, take advantage of the weak, leave their partners out to dry. They don’t fall prey to the con because they’re good people but because they thought they were smarter than the con artist. Smarter, wickeder, and more cunning. They assumed that because they were hunters, they would never be prey.5

If there was any lesson that I’d learned at Ola’s knee, it was that sooner or later, everyone was prey.

I always preferred the second kind of mark, because I’m not a complete bastard,6 and I always felt bad about exploiting the first kind of mark. Even in a city as notoriously corrupt as the Capital, however, that second variety was harder to find. A con man might approach a regular person out of the cold, beg them for aid. A bastard, on the other hand, needed to think they weren’t helping; that they had in fact gotten the drop on you, that you needed them far more than they needed you. They had to think that they had all the power. A bastard was too suspicious of the darker aspects of humanity to accept that anyone was free from ulterior motives. A good con made them think that they were the ones taking advantage of the con artist, rather than the reverse.

All of this was a long-winded way of explaining that Relos Var had always been a strange mixture of both. While it would be easy to say that Var was a bastard and leave it at that, I was fully aware that by Relos Var’s standards, he firmly and genuinely believed that he was saving the world (with the side effect of becoming its kindly if tyrannical god) in what might be described as the ultimate expression of “rewarded benevolence.”

Plus, a further complication: Relos Var was already involved in his own scheme. Conning certain types of people—other con artists, spies, smugglers, almost any royal—was made more difficult because they were people with agendas, people on missions. The only way to distract one of those groups was to present them with something better than what they already thought they were getting. Otherwise, there was simply no motivation to their old schemes for new ones.

Considering Relos Var was attempting to destroy the other Immortals and rule the world (after he fixed it, to be fair), I was finding myself hard-pressed to describe what “better than he was already getting” might look like. Especially when I had only the faintest idea how Relos Var planned to accomplish it.

Normally, a con artist either picked a scam and found a mark that fit, or picked a mark and tailored the scam accordingly. In this case, there was really only one option. I couldn’t sub in my own game pieces until I understood Relos Var’s better. Fortunately, there was someone I could ask.

Although perhaps ask was the wrong word.

Still, I had to find it just a little hilarious—downright ironic—that in order to mess with Relos Var, I’d first have to mess with Xaltorath.

If I were being honest with myself, I was even looking forward to it.

So with that in mind, I escaped my prison and set out in search of an old friend.

1 The two locations were merged thanks to Senera.—Thurvishar

I’m honestly unsure whether it would be better or worse to confess that I didn’t do it on purpose.—Senera

2 Technically speaking, the Name of All Things wasn’t destroyed, simply merged back with its paired dragon, in exactly the same way Grizzst merged Cynosure and Relos Var in order to cure Relos Var’s insanity.—S

3 Which Kihrin absolutely is, at least in terms of birth, if perhaps not personality.—T Oh, I think he might qualify in personality too.—S

4 A great many of the scams common to the Lower Circle hinge on some kind of “reward” that the con artist offers to share with the victim in exchange for a small favor or concession, which either is the whole point or which opens up the victim to blackmail later.—T

5 The citizens of Eamithon even have a phrase for this: The hawk hunts the mongoose that hunts the snake.—T

6 Except by birth, as established.—S I don’t believe that’s technically true any longer. After all, by all accounts I’ve been able to discover, S’arric and Rev’arric’s parents were married, while Kihrin’s birth form (we need a better vocabulary for this type of discussion) is no longer being used.—T That’s a good and annoying point. Stop it.—S

 Dreams of Sins Past

Tyentso’s story

The Soaring Halls, the Upper Circle of the Capital City of Quur

The day of Vol Karoth’s escape, just after dawn

The sunlight was a flare of hot red, glinting off the rolling waves with mirror brightness. Tyentso already had a headache from the reflection, and she wasn’t even manning a position on deck. The splash of waves created a steady background roar against the ship’s hull, counterpoint to the blinding glare. Counterpoint as well to the sound of groaning slaves down in the hold of the ship.

Wait.

She glanced around, blinking as she tried to make some measure of sense out of her view. This was the Misery. She hadn’t been back on board the Misery in years. The Misery didn’t even exist anymore, long since destroyed in a tug-of-war between a kraken and a dragon. But that had never stopped the nightmares. This was all too familiar.

Except in the important ways that it was not.

Except in the important ways that it was not. Kihrin sat on one of the water barrels, watching men work who either couldn’t see him or chose to ignore him. The Stone of Shackles shone a deep blue against his bronze skin. He looked older than the sixteen years he would have been in her memories, with less baby fat in his cheeks and infinitely older eyes.

Normally . . . Normally in her dreams, he’d be tied to the mainmast by this point, back washed crimson from the cat-o’-nine-tails the first mate, Delon, had used on him. That particular nightmare always started off in those moments when Captain Juval had been forced to choose between killing Kihrin and something arguably worse. When he’d demanded Tyentso summon up a demon to section off a piece of Kihrin’s soul and gaesh the boy as a compromise.

Captain Juval always picked a death sentence in her nightmares. Always ordered her to be the one to carry it out. Every time, Tyentso would know with absolute certainty that if she didn’t carry out the command, she would take Kihrin’s place. And every time, Tyentso killed the boy. No matter how much she screamed inside, she always made the same choice.

She’d always done whatever it took to survive.

“Do you always dream about this?” Kihrin turned his head to stare at her, and instantly, she knew this wasn’t a normal dream. That this wasn’t a dream at all in any typical sense of the word.

“Sometimes I dream about the Academy executing my mother for witchcraft,” Tyentso admitted. “Or my father Gadrith murdering me. Or . . . Well. My life is a fertile spring for spawning nightmares. Plenty of fuel for any number of horrific scenarios, replayed nightly for my amusement.” She paused, an ugly twisting in her gut. “I dreamed you died, you know. A few weeks back. I dreamed that mimic, Talon, had put her hand through your chest.”

A part of her whispered that she shouldn’t be talking about this. That someone might have found a way to intrude on her dreams and use it to ferret out secrets. But she quieted that voice. She knew this was Kihrin. She could feel it.

Kihrin coughed out an awkward laugh. “You know, I really should have expected that you’d sense that.”

Tyentso’s heart lurched in her chest, knocked against her ribs. “What? Scamp.” Tyentso loved the damn kid in her own way, but this was nothing to joke about—

He shrugged. “What can I say? Talon put her hand through my chest. I kind of died.”

Tyentso stared harder. “Was this before or after Thaena’s death?”

“After. It’s part of why I’m here.”

“Tell me you didn’t use Grimward. Tell me you’re not a damn vampire now, Scamp.”

Kihrin’s mouth twisted into something a little too sarcastic to be a proper smile. “No, I didn’t use Grimward.” He gestured toward the hold, toward the source of that faint, painful noise. “How many slaves do you think you helped Juval deliver to the auction block? You did this for something like twenty years, right? So it can’t be hundreds. We’re talking thousands, aren’t we?”

Tyentso felt her stomach flip, the knots tangle. “Scamp, I’ve already done my absolution for that.”

“Yeah, but said absolution was with Thaena. And for some reason, I don’t trust the judgment of a woman who was willing to wipe out the entire Manol vané population just to keep”—he paused—“Vol Karoth imprisoned for a few more decades. I wouldn’t trust her to even understand what the word redemption means.”

“So what are you saying, Kihrin? I’m not done atoning?” Tyentso wasn’t sure if she was angry or just frustrated. She wasn’t proud of what she’d done, but damn it, she’d been trying to survive . . .

“You already know the answer to that, Ty. Or you wouldn’t be still having the nightmares.” He raised an eyebrow at her. “Believe me, I know something about committing sins that you know you’ll never make right. It gets easier—it really does—but you’ll never be able to proclaim yourself innocent.” He glanced at her, for just a moment, but it was enough for her to be certain that he must have heard about what she’d done in the Capital. What she’d done to the high lords.

No. She was definitely not free from sin.

Tyentso felt herself frowning. “When did you stop being younger than me, Scamp? You used to be a lot younger. I could see it in your eyes, in the way you gazed out at the world. But now—” She stood. “You’re not really Kihrin, are you?”

He just chuckled and patted the barrel next to him, inviting her to take a seat. “Relax, Tyentso. I really am Kihrin.”

“But why—?”

“I’m also S’arric,” he said. “And, uh, much as it pains me to use the damn title, I suppose from a technical point of view I’m also Vol Karoth.1 Which is why we’re meeting in a dream instead of in person. It’s kind of difficult for me to be around people at the moment. At least, it’s difficult for me to be around anyone I care to keep safe.” He made a sweeping motion with his arm. “We’re also having this chat in a dream because Relos Var has a couple of ways to eavesdrop on people, but as far as I know, not a single one to spy on a dream.”

Tyentso didn’t sit on the barrel. Instead, she stood there and contemplated with a feeling of absolute dread itching through her veins as all the color washed out of the world.

Vol Karoth? What the fuck had happened to Kihrin while she was busy playing emperor?

Her fingers began moving, almost of their own volition, the desire to do something so intense that she couldn’t resist it. She wasn’t sure what good casting magic inside a dream would do, however.

Kihrin smiled at her. “It’s still me, Ty. Same soul. Same memories. Just more of both.” The corner of his mouth twisted. “The body’s new. Or should I say really old? The original, as it were. Can’t say I don’t miss the newer version, though, because boy, do I ever miss the newer version.”

Tyentso took a deep breath. He sounded like Kihrin. Sounded like Kihrin in a way she had a difficult time imagining Vol Karoth ever would. The ship seemed to tilt, and she realized it was just that she’d sat down on the barrel, after all.

“Fucking hell, Scamp,” she muttered. “Does Teraeth know about this?”

“He does,” Kihrin admitted, after a beat of hesitation that spoke volumes about how well that conversation must have gone. “Has anyone gotten around to telling you he’s king of the Manol these days?”

Tyentso blinked, then shook her head and looked away. “I guess I’ve missed a few things.”

“But not Thaena’s death.”

She scoffed. “No, not Thaena’s death. I felt that one.” She’d nursed an ugly, hollowed-out feeling ever since, all the purpose and clarity that had been there for her for the past few years evaporated like seawater on board the Misery’s deck. Nothing left behind but stains and salt. “I don’t even know what happened to her. It wasn’t you, I hope.”

“The short version is that Thaena insisted on the vané conducting the Ritual of Night, only it turned out that the vané were never a separate race. They were just humans with a much better educational system. So it didn’t work. Apparently, Doc had known and kept it from her, and she was so angry that she murdered him—”

“Fuck,” Tyentso muttered.

“—then she used an enchantment to force Teraeth to carry out a ritual that would have killed every citizen of the Manol to gain the power she needed. She intended to use that power to recharge the faulty control crystal keeping Vol Karoth’s prison intact. Of course, a bunch of folks went to stop her, and it was big and it was nasty.” He sighed. “Taja died. Argas and Galava too. And at one point, Thaena picked up Urthaenriel. A huge mistake: it broke the enchantment she had on Teraeth. So when she tossed the sword to the side in order to better concentrate on killing me, he picked it up and killed her with it.”

The whole world seemed to just go dark, the breath freezing inside her lungs. She ground her teeth and covered her mouth with a hand. She couldn’t imagine it—and yet she also absolutely could. There was never any anger worse, any betrayal worse, than the ones committed by the people who were supposed to love you.

“Oh,” she said.

“So a few things. First is that it’s apparently possible to be a demon without being evil, although currently there are only two examples of the not-evil kind, and they’re both children of Qoran Milligreest, so I’m not sure what that says about the Milligreest bloodline.”2

Tyentso blinked at him. “What.”

“Janel and Jarith are both demons. In Janel’s case, you probably wouldn’t even notice because she’s possessing her original body, but Jarith’s a different story. And I’m explaining this to you because it’s rather important that you not kill him.”

She couldn’t quite believe what she was hearing. The idea that Janel had been infected was bad enough—she’d liked that girl—but Jarith? How was she supposed to believe—her brain latched on to a more immediate issue. “That implies I’ll have the opportunity.”

“Contacting me is tricky at the moment. Jarith can manage it. And it’s difficult to stop him from going wherever he feels like, which makes Jarith my official go-between. If you need a message to reach me, all you have to do is tell him.”

“You’ve got to be fucking joking.”

A flicker of irritation crossed his face. “Trust me, he’s not terribly happy to be a demon either, Ty. But it is what it is. And there’s an excellent chance you will need to be able to send messages to me. In the meantime, I’ve asked him to watch your back.”

“I don’t—” She closed her eyes. Tyentso didn’t even really know Jarith Milligreest. He’d been born after she’d been exiled from Quur.

Poor Qoran, though. He’d be devastated once he figured out what had happened to his son.

Kihrin took her silence as an opportunity to move on to the next topic. “The second thing is that soon you’ll be receiving the news that Vol Karoth has escaped his prison—broken free entirely. I’m sure Relos Var felt it as it happened, and if Xaltorath doesn’t already know, they will soon. So I figure both will start their endgame scenarios. In the case of Xaltorath—” He shrugged. “I suspect Xaltorath’s just looking for power at this point. Tenyé and as much of it as they can manage. Which obviously we have to deny them.”

“Obviously,” Tyentso agreed, numb.

Kihrin grinned at her. “But the bigger problem is Relos Var. I know what he wants, but I’m less sure about exactly how he intends to get there.”

“Okay, I’ll play. What does Relos Var want?”

“He wants to puppet-walk my ass into the Nythrawl Wound and use me to seal it from the other side. For the moment, he thinks he needs Urthaenriel to do it, because when last he checked, Urthaenriel could be used to control Vol Karoth.”

Tyentso narrowed her eyes. “And that’s no longer true?”

Kihrin grinned, wide and bright and achingly mischievous. “That’s no longer true. But don’t tell him. I wouldn’t want to spoil the surprise.”

Tyentso snorted. “And I assume this is why you’re coming to me. You know you made me promise I wouldn’t return that stupid sword to you just because you asked, right?”

“And that hasn’t changed,” Kihrin said, “but it does mean that Relos Var is going to be coming for you.”

She scoffed. “Why? He shouldn’t have any idea that I have it. I haven’t told anyone.”

“I don’t think that matters,” Kihrin said. “Look, I realize that we’ve all been raised on stories of Godslayer, or Urthaenriel, or whatever you want to call the damn sword, and so we all know that you can’t use magic to find it, but”—he gave her a sharp look—“that’s not entirely true. I could sense that sword even when I was mortal. And I don’t think it’s just me. I’m willing to bet metal that nine dragons out there, including my dear brother, all share that same connection. The first time Relos Var dropped by the Upper Circle to have a drink at the Culling Fields, he knew exactly where Urthaenriel was hidden.”

“No,” Tyentso protested. “No, that doesn’t make any sense, because if that were true, Kaen wouldn’t have been hunting the four corners of the globe for the thing. He just would have asked his court wizard, Relos Var.”3

“Why would Relos Var volunteer that information to Kaen before he was ready? More, why would Relos Var remove the sword from a location where it was both secure and where he could retrieve it anytime he felt like it? That sword was hidden in the perfect place. But now? Now we’ve put Urthaenriel where he can’t reach it anymore. That’s going to be a problem for him. A problem he needs to fix. He will make a move against you. He has to.”

That made a certain ugly sense. And it would certainly put Relos Var in a spot, wouldn’t it? Kill Tyentso and the Crown and Scepter reverted back to their “base” positions in the Arena until the next Contest. That meant weeks, at minimum, before a new emperor was crowned, and until that happened, the Vaults were closed off to everyone but the Immortals themselves—who hated Relos Var.

Depending on what Xaltorath was up to, Relos Var might not have weeks.4

“Wait. Who has the Stone of Shackles?” Tyentso asked. That was how her father, Gadrith, had gotten around the situation before, after all. He’d just switched bodies with the current emperor, neatly giving himself a throne in the process.

Kihrin said, “Not Relos Var.”

“Thank fuck.”

“Oh, my sentiments exactly,” Kihrin said. “I figure that means he either has to bribe you, enchant you, or extort you. That last one probably by threatening someone you care about. You know how he loves moving at people through their families.”

Tyentso let out a bark of laughter. “People I consider family is a fucking short list, Scamp. And something tells me Var can’t threaten you any harder than he already is.”

Kihrin didn’t respond for a moment. He was staring out at nothing—or maybe he was looking at the spot on the mast where they’d whipped him. It was hard to tell. “You mean to tell me you wouldn’t care what happens to Qoran Milligreest?”

Tyentso’s gut clenched. She wanted to tell herself that she wouldn’t care. It had been over between the two of them for a very long time, and the relationship hadn’t exactly ended on good terms. Even so. “Shit.”

“Told you.” At least he didn’t sound smug about it. Mostly resigned.

It still made her defensive. “We didn’t become lovers again, you know. I’d have sooner chewed out my own tongue. He broke my fucking heart, Scamp. I have no desire to let him stomp on it a second time.”

“That doesn’t change my question. You would care, right?” He glanced over at her.

“I’d be really sad at Qoran’s funeral, Scamp,” Tyentso snapped. “But I wouldn’t give Relos Var a fucking thing.”

Kihrin smiled, although if he was impressed or just hearing what he’d expected was more difficult to gauge. “Fortunately, it won’t come to that.”

“How do you figure? If you’re right, it’s either this or try to sway me with an enchantment, and knowing that bastard, it’ll probably be both.”

“Because it’s part of the plan. He’s going to come at you for Urthaenriel. And I want you to let him succeed.”

1 Few people have even heard the name Vol Karoth, and fewer still understand that it’s a title, not a name, meaning simply “King of Demons.”—T Somewhat ironic, since he’s not a demon.—S

2 Nothing. Jarith was targeted because of his relationship with Janel. It had nothing to do with any lineal inheritance.—T

3 Just a reminder that Relos Var served as court wizard for Duke Azhen Kaen for a number of years, and Duke Kaen did indeed want to locate Urthaenriel, for a number of reasons.—T See: The Ruin of Kings and The Name of All Things for more information.—S

4 As it turns out, he didn’t even have days.—S

Copyright © Jenn Lyons 2022

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Excerpt: The Bone Orchard by Sara A. Mueller

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Placeholder of  -31“A masterfully woven plot with refreshing narrators ” — Publishers Weekly

Sara A. Mueller’s The Bone Orchard is a fascinating whodunit set in a lush, gothic world of secrets and magic–where a dying emperor charges his favorite concubine with solving his own murder, and preventing the culprit, which undoubtedly is one of his three terrible sons, from taking control of an empire.

Charm is a witch, and she is alone. The last of a line of conquered necromantic workers, now confined within the yard of regrown bone trees at Orchard House, and the secrets of their marrow.

Charm is a prisoner, and a survivor. Charm tends the trees and their clattering fruit for the sake of her children, painstakingly grown and regrown with its fruit: Shame, Justice, Desire, Pride, and Pain.

Charm is a whore, and a madam. The wealthy and powerful of Borenguard come to her house to buy time with the girls who aren’t real.

Except on Tuesdays, which is when the Emperor himself lays claim to his mistress, Charm herself.

But now–Charm is also the only person who can keep an empire together, as the Emperor summons her to his deathbed, and charges her with choosing which of his awful, faithless sons will carry on the empire—by discovering which one is responsible for his own murder.

If she does this last thing, she will finally have what has been denied her since the fall of Inshil — her freedom. But she will also be betraying the ghosts past and present that live on within her heart.

Charm must choose. Her dead Emperor’s will or the whispers of her own ghosts. Justice for the empire or her own revenge.

Please enjoy this free excerpt of The Bone Orchard by Sara A. Mueller, on sale 03/22/2022. 


CHAPTER ONE

The night breeze off the sea riffled through the bone orchard, playing softly in the ghastly white fruits, making the solid ones clatter while the long bones chimed and fluted. The trees were as foreign to Borenguard as their owner, Charm. She sat in the solarium with the windows open to the mellow night, going over her books. A soothing rhythm of touch, tally, and check, set to the uneven music of her bones.

During the long interim between empresses four and five, the Emperor of Boren had brought Charm to the capital, implanted a mindlock to enforce obedience, and established her in Orchard House. A triumphant prize, his people believed, from across the sea, taken in the Rebellion of Inshil. People of taste and rank forgot such a trifling detail as Inshil’s former independence.

Charm, a creature of neither taste nor rank, had not forgotten. She wore no colors save black, yet she colored her hair every tasteless shade available. There seemed little reason beyond amusement for the Emperor to put up with his conquest’s futile rebellions of color and her turning Orchard House into a gentleman’s club. There seemed even less reason for his continued interest in private Tuesdays at Orchard House, since Mistress Charm was fully a foot too short and her curves far too pronounced for Borenguard’s ideal of beauty. What talents might have sustained the Emperor’s notoriously fickle fascination was cause for speculation over card tables and cigars in Borenguard—not excepting those at Orchard House itself, as long as its proprietress was not in the room.

In a city of gray and damp, Charm was a scintillating, illicit legend.

Now, she toyed with a spiral of today’s brilliant pink hair and rubbed her fingers over the crystal casing of the mindlock in her right temple.

A boneghost with skin like milk glass and eyes the color of blood slipped into the solarium. Assembled from the bones in the orchard, their soft parts grown in a vat, boneghosts did not age. This one had looked eighteen since she’d risen from the growth vat in the greenhouse. If not for her coloring, she would have been the perfect image of Charm herself. Because the boneghosts had skulls identical to Charm’s, they all more or less shared her face.

“Yes, Pain?”

The boneghost laid her colorless cheek down on the gathered black satin of Charm’s skirt. “Prince Phelan is here, Mistress.”

Charm’s pen stopped, hovered in the air above the next column. Too soon. Justice wasn’t out of the growth vat yet. He was here too soon, but a son of the Emperor couldn’t be refused. It wasn’t anything in her mindlock that insisted. This was simply reality. One did not say no to princes if one could possibly help it. One particularly did not say no to Prince Phelan. Charm laid her pen in the carved rest at the top of her writing stand, smoothing her hands down the flawless fit of her black, burlesquely ornate evening gown.

Charm tried to cling to the positive. As long as Phelan remained obsessed with Justice, he wasn’t seeing some other child. Justice wasn’t awake tonight, but he didn’t know that yet. Charm knew, and others must have suspected, that a puckered scar on Phelan’s temple marked the Emperor’s first attempt at mindlock surgery. The surgery had been a resounding failure. All that remained of Phelan’s psychic abilites were fits of uncontrolled rage as famous as his other proclivities. That he lived had been a tragedy second only to the ongoing survival of his eldest brother, Prince Aerleas.

“The lock on his usual room?” It was the only room on the second floor that could not be locked from the inside.

“It works, Mistress.”

“Then we’ll hope we have no need to depend on it. Send him to the second floor. Send him Shame and complimentary supper as my gift to him for his inconvenience.”

“He’ll want Justice,” Pain said softly.

Then he shouldn’t have scalded her last time. According to the Lady’s schedule, she needs another week in the growth vat.”

“Yes, Mistress.” Pain rose and vanished back toward the public front of the house.

Charm picked up her pen, breathed, and went back to her ledger.

Touch. Tally. Check.

From Uptown, the cathedral bells struck twice and went silent. Orchard House closed its doors to incoming customers at two. In the solarium, Charm breathed in the serenity of the bells and the bones. The night was nearly done. The only traffic in the entry now would be customers going home. She sealed her last note, gathered her correspondence, and stopped in sheer surprise.

A woman stood just outside the gates, examining Orchard House. The Lowtowners who worked at Orchard House or came to ask about work came, naturally, to the back door. This was no Lowtown woman. A deep traveling hat buried her face in blackness as absolute as a grave. The satin of her overskirt gleamed palely. She wore a fur stole and muff against the evening’s chill. This was a lady of quality. It was impossible that such a lady would be seen below the Uptown wall, much less at the gates of Orchard House. And yet, she stood just . . . looking.

There was something about the stillness of the woman that raised the hair on the back of Charm’s neck. Even as she rose to go investigate, the noblewoman turned away and foggy dark swallowed her. A chill traced Charm’s arms. She rubbed them briefly. One of her customers would have a bad night when he got home, probably, and that was neither her problem nor her business. She took her letters to the front hall.

Pride, enthroned at the reception desk, stabilized the house. Charm wasn’t sure when she’d become aware of Pride, but was reasonably sure that Pain, Justice, Desire, Pride, and lastly Shame had been the chronological order of the ghosts. Even now that all of them had bodies separate from hers, she found Pride’s serene blindness a comfort.

Upright, lovely, with ashen hair and blue eyes that saw nothing, Pride’s sightless, judging stare reminded each gentleman of how they were to behave when they went upstairs. To break with gentlemanly behavior, even with the outward trappings of rank discarded, was to be barred from the second floor and to risk being unwelcome altogether. To be unwelcome at Orchard House was to lose the political talk of the cardroom, the impeccable dining, and the prestige of being here in the evenings. The only men immune to those rules were the sons of the Emperor. Prince Phelan was still upstairs. Perhaps they would escape his visitation unscathed.

“Tired yet, Pride?” asked Charm, with a smile that Pride could never see.

“Not particularly . . .”

Pain ran down the stairs. Charm’s heart ached in that moment of silence.

“Shame is hurt,” said Pain softly.

Charm’s breath punched out of her. She snatched up her skirts and bolted up the stairs to the second floor as a door along the hallway slammed. Prince Phelan’s cursing and the sound of shattering glass met her halfway up. Even Orchard House’s thick walls and doors couldn’t muffle the sound of his bellows from this close range.

Shame slid down the outside of Prince Phelan’s door, weeping, with the safety key in her hand. Her mousy hair had tumbled out of its pins and one hand held her bleeding face. Her cream-colored dress was stained down the front with cocoa, and down the left side with blood. Something smashed into the closed door and made it shudder, but the stout oak held.

“Oh, Shame . . . Shhh, it’s going to be all right. I’m here. I’ve got you.” Charm tried to be comforting for Shame even as she seethed inside. “Hush now, we’ll fix it. Let’s get you out to the laboratory and see how bad it is.” Charm slipped an arm around the boneghost’s waist, helping her to her feet and down the back stair.

Four Firedrinkers, Borenguard’s elite psychic constabulary, came in the kitchen door as Charm and Shame reached the safety of the bottom landing. Of course. Pain had been in a second-floor room with a Firedrinker. Their comrade heard Prince Phelan’s fit, so all of them knew. Borenguard’s theory was that the Firedrinkers had enough telepaths in their ranks that they were all linked all the time, but the only person likely to truly know was Pain; and Pain could not be forced to speak. Body armor under their scarlet coats, and helmets with mirrored visors, concealed their identities. Only one wore any distinguishing insignia. Charm was grateful to see Captain Oram’s white sash, and hoped it was truly the captain.

Captain Oram’s gift was a rare and exalted one. He was a telepath of immense power. He could suppress Prince Phelan’s rage and take His Highness to Fortress Isle until the princely fit passed. “Mistress,” Captain Oram said. His voice through his helmet visor was identical to every other Firedrinker’s, but given his name and height he certainly seemed male. He inclined his head politely. “We’ll bring Prince Phelan out this way and through the back gate. It will be quieter.”

The words were like stabs. “Of course, Captain. We wouldn’t want a fuss.” Charm all but snarled it, though they were as helpless in this as Charm. Pain, the only one outside of their barracks allowed to see them without their uniforms, had confirmed that every concealing Firedrinker helmet hid a mindlock similar to Charm’s own, and that they had standing orders far more stringent than Charm’s.

One of the newer kitchen girls, possibly her name was Sally, darted forward with a towel from the stack of clean ones by the sink. The other two just huddled and watched with wide eyes. Charm nodded thanks to Sally and helped Shame press it against her slashed face. She kept her arm around Shame across the little kitchen garden and through the orchard. The bones showed stark white where the moonlight touched them, clattered and clicked to themselves. The long brick building past the uneven trees had been a hothouse, once. It didn’t grow orchids anymore. Now, it sheltered far more tender specimens.

Charm unlocked the Lady’s laboratory, stepped inside, and closed the door. She let herself fall back inside her own mind so that the other woman in her head could wake up into the body they shared.

The Lady blinked and leaned on Shame for a moment. The familiar sight of her laboratory steadied her.

Carefully tended coal stoves kept the building a constant temperature and provided a dim orange glow, just enough light to guide them down the half flight of stairs. Growth tanks of glass and steel were ranged neatly along the back wall. The largest tank held a horse skeleton in the middle stages of growing muscles and organs. A creature so large took a long time to grow. The smallest tanks were hardly larger than gallon jars. Lifeless songbirds floated in two of them. They were further along than the horse, feathers just beginning to come in through new skin. The casket-shaped growth tank for her human boneghosts was a little separate from the others, covered with thick black canvas with chains and pulleys hanging over it. Shelves took up part of the other wall, with neatly labeled baskets of bones and trays of surgical equipment. A large table near the shelves was arrayed with beakers, tubes, vials, and catch basins. Storage crocks stood beneath in an orderly row. In the center of the room was a long, marble coroner’s slab.

It was dark outside, the Lady noted. She wondered briefly what time it was, but she knew better than to question her surroundings too closely. It would only make her black out again. One glance at Shame told her why she was awake. It had taken her years to learn to make them, the vessels for the other people in her mind. “Don’t worry, sweetheart, I’ll fix you.”

The Lady helped her injured ghost to a stool. She tied on a full-sleeved rubberized apron, collected clean clothes and a bottle of antiseptic, then peeled the gory towel away from the boneghost’s face. Shame gripped the edge of the table as the Lady wiped away the blood. The slash ran from just ahead of Shame’s ear to her nose, laying open the length of her cheekbone. Her cheek drooped, showing the white flash of bone and the upper edges of her teeth.

“My fault,” Shame slurred. The left half of her mouth did not work properly.

The Lady slid her fingers over the upper edge of the wound. A knife. The image of it, slipping through Shame’s face, flashed from her fingertips to her brain. The Lady blinked at tears of futile anger. The knife wouldn’t have done more than make a shallow cut on Justice or Desire, easily dealt with by a bit of empathy fluid reduced to gel. It would have left barely a scratch on Pain. Shame, not as resilient as her comrades, didn’t cling to the vat-grown body enough to give it resilience.

Behind the Lady, in their shared skull, Charm watched. There was nothing she could do except bill Phelan for the time Shame would be incapacitated. Ask him to pay for the damages as she might ask him to pay for a broken cup. He might pay. Usually he did not.

The Lady wished she could stop these things happening. She didn’t like her ghosts to be hurt, but neither did she want them back. They were, and should be, separate from her. “This wound is too deep to repair without some help. But we’ll pop you into the tank and everything will be fine,” the Lady told Shame. “I’m sorry this had to happen to you.”

Charm hovered, ready to draw the Lady aside if Shame faltered.

Shame didn’t hesitate. “You’re not to blame, Lady.”

The Lady nodded, wordless. Naturally it was not her fault, but it was kind of Shame to remind her. She got a bottle of solution, washed the wound, then retrieved her suture kit and carefully stitched Shame’s cheek closed. “Let me check how Justice is doing, and once we get her out, we’ll get you in.” She pulled the cover from the human growth tank.

Lavender empathy fluid supported the body of Justice. Eternally fourteen, she floated above the support rack, too lightweight to sink. The Lady had put her here just a week ago. The Lady removed the glass lid on the tank, breathing in the metallic, faintly salty scent of bodies and birth that came from the empathy fluid. She examined Justice’s thighs critically, and found the skin smooth and pink. The scalds had healed almost completely. The Lady lowered the chains, hooked them to the corners of the rack, and winched Justice up out of the tank. The little body sagged against the rack as it came free of the supporting gelatinous fluid. The Lady let the majority of empathy fluid on her drip back into the tank, then swung the rack over the dissection table, and lowered it gently down.

She tipped Justice out of the rack onto her side, making sure Justice’s head with her sodden braid hung over the edge. Thick, syrupy fluid strung down from Justice’s nose and mouth, draining into a pail on the floor.

“The fluid in the tank is still usable,” noted the Lady. “That’s fortunate.” Empathy fluid was the second-rarest substance in the world, second only to the Rejuv that kept the Imperial family and their chosen few eternally frozen in age. It wouldn’t do to waste it. She got the rack back over the tank, fetched warmed blankets from their chimney cupboard to wrap Justice’s body and warm her up. The Lady prepped an injection from a blue glass bottle and slid it into the dead boneghost’s carotid artery. She suctioned a little more fluid out of Justice’s airways while the body’s temperature came up. When Justice was warm, she started resuscitation. Chest compressions and then breathing into the little body.

The Lady ejected the part of her that was Justice into the body, struggling for a moment to get the clinging ghost out of their mind. She isn’t me. Her experiences are no part of me. I’m the daughter of the Chancellor, not this girl who has to sit sorting people all day.

Justice jerked, coughed, and dragged in a breath.

The Lady rolled her onto her side again, rubbing her back soothingly. “There now. I’d have liked to give you more time, but this will do.”

Justice looked around the lab, wobbly as a new-hatched chick. She curled up, clutching the blankets, and squeezed her eyes closed. Tears slid across the bridge of her nose.

“Just lie still for a moment. I must get Shame into the tank,” the Lady soothed her.

Justice craned her head to see Shame sitting, bloody and disheveled. She shivered and curled tighter.

While Shame undressed herself, the Lady prepared a syringe of oubain and an ether mask. She cranked the support rack over the human tank down so the rack was mostly submerged, but with the head end still clear of the fluid.

Shame’s distinction was obvious, once she was nude. From throat to feet she was covered with a swirling birthmark the color of Blood Field wine. She stepped into the tank, lying back against the padded steel bands. The Lady put the ether mask over her mouth and nose and carefully dripped in the ether. Shame’s eyelids sagged.

The Lady kissed Shame’s forehead gently. “Sleep well,” she told her ghost. The Lady took a firm grip on the syringe, but lowered the needle again. Shame slept, her face at peace. It was always hard to make the final strike. It would let the ghost back into her mind, even though the Lady didn’t have to see or interact with her.

All animals strove to live, but Shame never had. Perhaps more had gone wrong with Shame than her skin. Shame needed to be kept alive just as much as the Lady’s other creations, and with Justice back in the tank so frequently these days, it would take far too long to grow Shame an entirely new body. It would be bad enough to know Shame was with her for this little time. To have her that much longer, and risk reabsorbing Justice as well . . . The Lady steeled herself with the thought. Shame must die instantly if the body was to be salvaged.

The Lady stabbed the needle between Shame’s ribs and into her heart. The boneghost arched up for one moment, then collapsed as the Lady pressed the oubain into her heart. Lights danced across the Lady’s vision and the world whirled unsteadily as her own heart stuttered in sympathy.

In the confinement of their shared skull, Charm drew Shame’s battered consciousness back behind the barriers that preserved the Lady’s innocence. She cradled Shame close.

The Lady’s dizziness passed. It always made her queasy to kill or animate a boneghost. Animals never troubled her. Only her ghosts were so difficult. She pulled the needle free of Shame’s chest. The Lady smoothed the mouse-colored hair gently. “Poor thing, you just don’t have enough strength,” she murmured.

She lowered the body the rest of the way into the empathy fluid, then pushed the lid onto the tank and covered it with its black cloth so that light wouldn’t discolor the healing wound.

Justice got herself up to sitting, and after a moment more got to her feet. The Lady smiled. Justice was so strong. The Lady was always glad she’d made this ghost a body, even if the bones had been too small for an adult, and, because the bones grew separately on a tree instead of naturally in a body, one femur was slightly longer than the other. “How are you?” the Lady asked.

Charm watched through the Lady’s eyes. Justice sniffled, getting control, and Charm hated herself viciously for doing this to Justice. Of all of them, Justice. She should’ve thought of a way to refuse Phelan. Now Justice was going to have to deal with him again. The Firedrinkers would let Phelan out as soon as his immediate rage had passed, and everyone would go on pretending just as they always had.

“I’m f-fine, Lady. Just cold,” Justice assured her.

“Put your feet into Shame’s shoes, then, and hurry to get a bath to warm yourself up,” instructed the Lady. “Not too hot, your thighs will still be tender.”

“Yes, Lady.” Justice helped herself along the table to where her cane leaned by the stair. She left the shoes, let herself out, and limped away into the dark.

The Lady sat with her hands folded serenely together in her lap, listening to the bones in the orchard as they chimed and clattered in the breeze. At first it had seemed as if with more boneghosts she had fewer blackouts, but she wasn’t sure anymore. In Inshil, she had been awake almost all the time. She had never been conscious much in Borenguard, though she had this garden behind a great house, and her trees, and this laboratory where some kind person got her everything she could leave notes about. The world beyond this sanctuary was dangerous. The Lady rose, went to the shelf of baskets, reminding herself what bones were still needed for each partial skeleton, then picked up a pair of secateurs. She was awake, and her immediate duty was done; she would tend the bone trees, and collect any bones that were ready. Invisible and undetected, Charm stalked in the back of the Lady’s mind. She wrestled with useless anger, and kept Shame safe.

Copyright © Sara A. Mueller 2022

Pre-order The Bone Orchard Here:

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Excerpt: Our Lady of Mysterious Ailments by T. L. Huchu

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Placeholder of  -80Opening up a world of magic and adventure, Our Lady of Mysterious Ailments by T. L. Huchu is the second book in the beloved Edinburgh Nights series.

Ropa Moyo’s ghostalking practice has tanked, desperate for money to pay bills and look after her family she reluctantly accepts a job to look into the history of a coma patient receiving treatment at the magical private hospital Our Lady of Mysterious Ailments. The patient is a teenage schoolboy called Max Wu, and healers at the hospital are baffled by the illness which has confounded medicine and magic.

Ropa’s investigation leads her to the Edinburgh Ordinary School for Boys, one of only the four registered schools for magic in the whole of Scotland (the oldest and only one that remains closed to female students).

But the headmaster there is hiding something and as more students succumb Ropa learns that a long-dormant and malevolent entity has once again taken hold in this world.

She sets off to track the current host for this spirit and try to stop it before other lives are endangered.

Please enjoy this free excerpt of Our Lady of Mysterious Ailments by T. L. Huchu, on sale 04/05/22. 


I

So, I’m skint again. ‘Nothing new there, Ropa,’ I hear you say. Well, up yours. This time though, a lass is in luck – Sir Callander, Scotland’s premier magical bigwig, has hooked me up with an interview for an apprenticeship. Free food and a proper wage – all for a wee bit of filing. Yay.

I’m sauntering through George Street in Edinburgh’s city centre, headed towards the East End, and pass a beggar with matted hair sat on cardboard on the pavement, arms stretched out for alms. His trousers are folded and pinned just below the knees, where his legs have been amputated. Must have been a vet during the catastrophe or maybe just some civilian caught up in the crossfire. The bad old days were wild like that.

‘Spare some change,’ he says in a downtrodden voice. Makes me super sad.

‘Sorry, pal, ain’t got nothing on me,’ I say, and it’s a hundred percent true. Been lean times lately, and if I could spare a shilling, I would. I know more than most what it’s like to be skint.

‘God save the king,’ he replies.

‘Long may he reign,’ I say.

I get away as quick as I can, hoping someone with deeper pockets might take pity on the gadge. Used to be, I ran a small business as a ghostalker, delivering messages around the city for the dearly departed, but certain shenanigans which I daren’t recall saw that business go kaput. I went off Sherlocking around Edinburgh to find a missing kid for one of my spectral clients. Have to admit, I was pretty good at it, but it took up a bit of my time, and so I couldn’t do my core job. The spectral community got miffed and I lost a ton of customers. Sigh. It ain’t been easy building the business back up again. But you know what they say, one door closes and all that kind of jazz. This thing Callander’s lined up for me is some next-level shit. Formal employment – who’d have thought a fifteen-year-old lass from Hermiston Slum without no school certificates or nothing like that would get a job with them suit and tie folks? My future’s so bright I might just swap these plastic shades I’m wearing for a welding visor.

I don’t normally dress all formal, but for this, I’ve gone full-on bougee. Found myself a black pair of tailored straight-leg trousers and a beige fitted shirt with long sleeves. Hell, even borrowed myself a pair of Clarks to make sure my shoe game’s proper white collar. My old gig mainly involved tramping around like a postie, so I didn’t need to dress up or anything like that. But for this new one, I read on the net you’ve got to look the part . . . especially for the interview.

It’s a nice summer’s morn, blue skies, not too hot, which is brill ’cause I don’t wanna go in sweating like an oinker. The scent of ground coffee as I pass a cafe before crossing Hanover Street. Big old statue of George IV on a plinth to commemorate the geezer visiting Scotland back when. That was ’cause it had been ages before the king found it fit to visit this part of his realm. Our current monarch ain’t been down here since his reign began during the catastrophe, but seeing as how old George’s hair has turned white with seagull poop, I can’t blame any of his successors for staying well clear of this shithole.

A couple of buskers are jamming acoustic guitars near the church on the opposite side of the road. Their voices carry across loud and clear, covering Dolly Parton’s ‘9 to 5’, and I know that’s got to be an omen. I stop, take out a tissue from the handbag I nicked off my gran and brush dirt off my shoes. This apprenticeship’s really gonna turn my life around. I don’t know how much they’re paying yet, but it’s bound to be more than what I was on before. Means I’ll be able to do more for Gran and my little sis, Izwi. Been a bit rough the last couple of years. Same goes for most to be fair, but once I get paid, I’m looking to get us out of the slum we live in on the outskirts of Edinburgh, into a real house. Then I’ll get treatment for Gran, who’s a bit poorly, and maybe even a better school for sis. She’s the brightest kid this side of the asteroid belt.

With so much on the line, I’m a wee bit feart. Happy and nervous at the same time – nervicited, like that moment before lift-off when the countdown’s going and your dicky ticker’s racing with the second hand. Mad. I check the time on my mobile. Great, it’s only 09.40. Callander said to meet him on St Andrew Square for 10:00, so I’ve got a bit of time to kill and chill my nerves. I’m returning the phone to Gran’s handbag when the ringtone goes off, startling me. It’s only my pal Priya, though, so I pick up.

‘I’ve got great news, Ropa,’ Priya says so loud I might burst an eardrum. ‘Well, not for them, but for you.’

We’ve got this patient at my work and his case isn’t looking good. It’s been a struggle to make a diagnosis, which is hampering our treatment.’ Priya’s a healer, so I’m not too sure where this is all going. It’s not like I know nothing about doctoring. ‘What we need is a proper investigation into what happened around the time he got sick so we can see if there’s anything we’ve missed. Can you come round to my clinic? His parents are willing to pay you cash for the job.’

‘Sorry, Priya, it’s a no-go for me—’

‘Huh? This gig is right up your street.’ She sounds proper baffled. ‘I thought . . . Is everything alright with you?’

‘Hunky-dory. In fact, I’ve got a new job now.’ Well, almost. ‘Sir Callander’s hooked me up, and so I’m going in for my first day just as we speak.’ I hate to disappoint Priya since she knows I’ve been hard up lately, but I’m sorted now. Or at least I will be after today.

‘You kept that one hush. Damn it, you’d have been the best person for this. After you solved all that drama with those other sick kids. But, hey, congrats. Well done, you. We should catch up soon so you can fill me in on this new J-O-B, baby. I’ll be doing the skatepark in Saughton on Wednesday if you’re about,’ she says. ‘Listen, I’ve got to go – rounds to do, patients to see. Speak soon, mwah – sloppy kiss.’

Wow, look at that, little old me turning down odd jobs. Who’d have thought? I wait for a shilly-shilly ferrying passengers to Leith to pass so I can cross the road into the garden on St Andrew Square. It’s nice and peaceful here, with the scent of newly mowed grass, though the small crescent-shaped pool’s dry at the mo. I sit on one of the concrete bench mcthingies that run along the footpath and veg. That’s a relief ’cause the shoes I borrowed off Marie are half a size too small so my pinky toes are sore.

The New Town where I’m at just now is the nicer part of town, relatively speaking. If you go across the loch to the Old Town, it’s unadulterated mayhem. The only thing kinda marring this side is the pockmarks on the walls of the grand old buildings surrounding the square. Bullet holes. That’s from way back, when the king’s men were going street to street, driving out the separatists from the city into the Forth where a good few drowned. It’s legend out here how in the bleak midwinter of the war hundreds of diehard separatists were lined up on the great Edinburgh seawall with machine guns pointed at them. They were told to swim across the Forth to Fife – a good few miles in freezing water – or take a bullet to the back of the head. Only a handful made it, and to this day they remain His Majesty’s guests in Saughton gaol.

Must have been quite the horror show then. Grown-ups don’t like to talk about them days, almost like they can silence it out of existence. When I was growing up, if someone talked about being in a ‘bullet or breaststroke situation’, you knew they’d been put in an impossible position. This is what makes me a keen reader of books about war. It’s so I can be ready to save my family if shit hits the fan again.

I’m seagulling away, coasting in the moment and watching folks go about their business on the pavements, horse-drawn carts and electrics mingling, plus a shitload of cyclists hogging up the roads like this is eighties Beijing. Nah, Edinburgh’s nowhere near as posh. China – that’s the dream right there. Was a time, once upon, when everyone and their grandma was emigrating out that way, via Hong Kong, but the Great Wall’s been put up again and so we’re stuck here. Still, with the magic gig, there are deffo worse places to be.

I startle and jerk to the left ’cause a man’s suddenly beside me. I look up, and it’s Sir Callander, calmly staring ahead as though he’s been tracking my gaze for a while. A soft wind blows east, and I catch a hint of tobacco smoke snagged in his three-piece tweed suit.

‘Sir Callander, I didn’t see you coming,’ I say, a little uneasy ’cause I’m sure I’ve been spotting everyone in these gardens from my vantage point.

‘No one ever does, Miss Moyo,’ he replies matter-of-factly. ‘You look distinguished.’

I’m taken aback, ’cause Callander’s not normally one to offer compliments. He’s Scotland’s top magician, and a chance encounter with him a wee while back led to this moment right here. But I ain’t a believer in blind luck. No sir, I’ve spent nights up reading posts on prepping for a new job, and so even my pinky toes will forgive me one day when we’re aboard the gravy choo-choo. Callander’s not the type to hand over anything so easily.

‘A position within the Society of Sceptical Enquirers is a much sought-after, seldom proffered affair, which you should take very seriously. You have come prepared?’

‘Yes,’ I say. I ain’t done much else but dream of this since spring ended.

‘And you’ve already fully mastered all aspects of the Promethean spell?’

Piece of cake, that one. I nod. I don’t want to seem too enthusiastic, but inside I really want to burst out, Yes, yes, yes, just get me started on the apprenticeship already.

‘It’s almost time. The others will be waiting. Come with me, Miss Moyo,’ Sir Callander says, getting up.

I’m in his shadow as I follow him out the garden. He’s tall and confident, and moves like a great ship making people part like waves to let him through. I’m bursting with pride, trailing him. This is it, my dream about to happen, and my binoculars are wide open.

We cross the tramlines; hardly ever any trams about, so barring a few cyclists it’s a quick walk to the building opposite. The one with the statue of a geezer and horse in the garden at the front. Dundas House, number 36 St Andrew Square, the main branch of the Royal Bank of Scotland in this city. I’ve never been inside. Never had to. I’m not sure what we have to come out here for, but maybe Callander needs a bit of dosh before our appointment.

The road that runs inside the yard to the building arcs a U for vehicles coming in and out from St Andrew Square. Callander proceeds down the road directly ahead of the main door to the solid neoclassical building. It’s got large windows, straight lines and simple geometric architecture appropriately reeking of money, though the walls are sooted badly from pollution layered over the years.

This has been the home of the Society of Sceptical Enquirers for over two hundred and fifty years, Ropa Moyo. Or in other words, the home of Scottish magic. Mark me well, you always slip in via the extreme left of the door so your shoulder brushes against the frame. With your right hand, hold your thumb and index finger together and point the others down to the ground, like this. Arm by your side, palm facing your thigh.’ I mimic him, and he gives a satisfied nod. ‘And remember to be discreet so members of the public don’t see you come in.’ With this, we walk into the bank.

The air takes on a glassy tone. Everything kinda looks slightly reversed as if I’m looking into a mirror. My left is now my right and my right becomes my left, ’cause now we are on the inside.

Copyright © T. L. Huchu 2022

Pre-order Our Lady of Mysterious Ailments Here:

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5 Books to Read that Take Place During the Holidays

The winter season is upon us, and what better way to celebrate than reading a book that takes place during the holidays! From Christmas in the cozy Irish village of Ballybucklebo to New Year’s Eve in Gilded Age Manhattan, these books are sure to get you in the holiday spirit.


Place holder  of - 80It’s a Wonderful Woof by Spencer Quinn

Holiday time in the Valley, and in the holiday spirit—despite the dismal shape of the finances at the Little Detective Agency—Bernie refers a potential client to Victor Klovsky, a fellow private eye. It’s also true that the case—promising lots of online research but little action—doesn’t appeal to Bernie, while it seems perfect for Victor, who is not cut out for rough stuff. But Victor disappears in a rough-stuff way, and when he doesn’t show up at his mom’s to light the Hanukkah candles, she hires Chet and Bernie to find him.

They soon discover that Victor’s client has also vanished. The trail leads to the ruins of a mission called Nuestra Señora de los Saguaros, dating back to the earliest Spanish explorers. Some very dangerous people are interested in the old mission. Does some dusty archive hold the secret of a previously unknown art treasure, possibly buried for centuries? What does the Flight into Egypt—when Mary, Joseph and the baby Jesus fled Herod—have to do with saguaros, the Sonoran desert cactus?

No one is better than Chet at nosing out buried secrets, but before he can, he and Bernie are forced to take flight themselves, chased through a Christmas Eve blizzard by a murderous foe who loves art all too much.

Placeholder of  -42An Irish Country Yuletide by Patrick Taylor

December 1965. ‘Tis the season once again in the cozy Irish village of Ballybucklebo, which means that Doctor Fingal Flahertie O’Reilly, his young colleague Barry Laverty, and their assorted friends, neighbors, and patients are enjoying all their favorite holiday traditions: caroling, trimming the tree, finding the perfect gifts for their near and dear ones, and anticipating a proper Yuletide feast complete with roast turkey and chestnut stuffing. There’s even the promise of snow in the air, raising the prospect of a white Christmas.

Not that trouble has entirely taken a holiday as the season brings its fair share of challenges as well, including a black-sheep brother hoping to reconcile with his estranged family before it’s too late, a worrisome outbreak of chickenpox, and a sick little girl whose faith in Christmas is in danger of being crushed in the worst way.

As roaring fireplaces combat the brisk December chill, it’s up to O’Reilly to play Santa, both literally and figuratively, to make sure that Ballybucklebo has a Christmas it will never forget!

Image Place holder  of - 69An Irish Country Christmas by Patrick Taylor

Barry Laverty, M.B., is looking forward to his first Christmas in the cozy village of Ballybucklebo, at least until he learns that his sweetheart, Patricia, might not be coming home for the holidays. That unhappy prospect dampens his spirits somewhat, but Barry has little time to dwell on his romantic disappointments. Christmas may be drawing nigh, but there is little peace to be found on earth, especially for a young doctor plying his trade in the emerald hills and glens of rural Ireland.

Along with his senior partner, Doctor Fingal Flahertie O’Reilly, Barry has his hands full dealing with seasonal coughs and colds, as well as the occasional medical emergency. To add to the doctors’ worries, competition arrives in the form of a patient-poaching new physician whose quackery threatens the health and well-being of the good people of Ballybucklebo. Can one territory support three hungry doctors? Barry has his doubts.

But the wintry days and nights are not without a few tidings of comfort and joy. Between their hectic medical practice, Rugby Club parties, and the kiddies’ Christmas Pageant, the two doctors still find time to play Santa Claus to a struggling single mother with a sick child and not enough money in the bank. Snow is rare in Ulster, and so are miracles, but that doesn’t mean they never happen. . . .

Image Placeholder of - 3A Dog’s Perfect Christmas by W. Bruce Cameron

The problems fracturing the Goss family as Christmas approaches are hardly unique, though perhaps they are handling them a little differently than most people might. But then a true emergency arises, one with the potential to not only ruin Christmas, but everything holding the family together.

Is the arrival of a lost puppy yet another in the string of calamities facing them, or could the little canine be just what they all need?

A Dog’s Perfect Christmas is a beautiful, poignant, delightful tale of what can happen when family members open their hearts to new possibilities. You’ll find love and tears and laughter—the ideal holiday read.

Poster Placeholder of - 40A Resolution at Midnight by Shelley Noble

Roasted chestnuts from vendor’s carts, fresh cut spruce trees lining the sidewalks, extravagant gifts, opulent dinners, carols at St Patrick’s Cathedral, a warm meal and a few minutes shelter from the cold at one of the charitable food lines . . .

It’s Christmas in Gilded Age Manhattan.

And for the first time ever an amazing giant ball will drop along a rod on the roof of the New York Times building to ring in the New Year. Everyone plans to attend the event.

But the murder of a prominent newsman hits a little too close to home. And when a young newspaper woman, a protégé of the great Jacob Riis and old Vassar school chum of Bev’s, is the target of a similar attack, it is clear this is not just a single act of violence but a conspiracy of malicious proportions. Really, you’d think murderers would take a holiday.

Something absolutely must be done. And Lady Dunbridge is happy to oblige in A Resolution at Midnight, the third book in this delightful series.

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Where Did You Get That Character?

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Miss Fisher meets Downton Abbey in A Secret Never Told, the fourth installment in the critically acclaimed mystery series from New York Times bestselling author Shelley Noble.

Shelley joins us on the blog today to talk about where she gets the ideas for her characters!


As a mystery writer, I’ve written many fictional amateur sleuths, both contemporary and historical. My characters are generally compassionate, serious seekers of justice in their own non-professional, and sometimes bumbling ways. I try to leaven my mysteries with at least one character with a sense of humor, but murder is serious business. In a small town or big city, friends, family, neighbors, even strangers are irrevocably changed by the actual death and by the distrust caused by not knowing who is the murderer in their midst.

Amateur detectives have come a long way from Miss Marple and even Miss Fisher. These days, our female sleuths tend to be more independent, more decisive, more physically able, more like …Wonder Woman.

So when I decided to write the Lady Dunbridge series about a widowed young countess who comes to America to make her fortune without having to remarry, I dropped her firmly into 1907 and the culture of the “Modern Woman.” And I looked for my inspiration in the Dime Novel characters of the time.

I found a watershed of female characters, from accomplished young ladies fallen on hard times to the lowliest street urchin on her way to a better life. And though often overshadowed by a male colleague—after all, these stories and characters were all written by men—these “lady” detectives made their mark on the reading public.

Their potential grew and flourished and though the dime novel went through the cyclical whims of the reading public, there’s no doubt that our current super heroes and heroines have a distant, tiny beginning in this group of intrepid detectives of the late 1800s.

There were plenty to chose from: 

Lady Kate Edwards (Lady Kate, The Dashing Female Detective by Harlan P. Halsey, The Old Sleuth). Born an orphan, Kate ran away from the orphan asylum and raised herself in New York, becoming a self-made woman and detective. She possesses “nearly” the same skills, intelligence and strength of her male counterparts.

Kate Goelet (The Great Bond Robbery -1885) “a rare beauty, with a most graceful figure, a sweet, pleasant voice, and at three and twenty, is possessed of the courage, cunning, patience and endurance and sagacity of the most experienced officer on the whole detective team.” She is also a master of disguise, skilled in tailing suspects, and a proficient burglar. 

Cad Metti (Cad Metti, The Female Detective Strategist Or Dudie Dunne Again in the Field -1895) is relegated to the role of sidekick for most of her career, but “She can sing or dance, she can fence or wrestle like a man. Her strength is extraordinary, and as a pistol shot she is the champion woman of the world.”

Hilda Serene (The Actress Detective or The Invisible Hand: The Romance of an Implacable Mission (1889) is a twenty five year old actress, adept with both pistol and eight inch bowie knife as well as good with her fists. She isn’t squeamish, she can run after culprits, drink without getting drunk, and can see in the dark like a cat. She overpowers the criminals, “though she is a woman.”

Loveday Brooke (The Experiences of Loveday Brooke, Lady Detective -1894) is a well-read but poor young woman who becomes a detective rather than be tied to more acceptable work as a governess or lady’s companion. Like the others, she is a genius at disguises and can analyze clues and make brilliant deductions from her analysis.

But I don’t want to give the heroes short shrift.

Nick Carter, the private detective appearing first in 1886 (Four Scraps of Paper, A Dangerous Woman) had a hundred year career. He is a smart, methodical sleuth who uses his brains as well as his fists and is an upright upholder of justice.

Old King Brady (The Mystery of the River Steamer, A House in the Swamp) an investigator who started out as a police detective, who solves crimes through a lot of doggedness and legwork, is not the best shot, not very adept at disguise and isn’t even handsome. And yet he carved himself a space in the pantheon of dime novel detectives.

Character types abound in these novels: boy wonders like Frank Merriweather and his daring feats; inventors of fantastic things a la Frank Reade. Outlaws and cowboys, pirates and working girls. The stories were fun and affordable and filled the newsstands and piled up on nightstands across the country.

There was even a Mr. X. who I use shamelessly in the Lady Dunbridge series.

And who was this enigmatic Mr. X? Only The Shadow Knows.

Pre-order a Copy of A Secret Never Told—available November 23rd!

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Inspiration, the Holidays, and Me

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Spencer Quinn’s It’s a Wonderful Woof presents a holiday adventure for Chet the dog, “the most lovable narrator in crime fiction” (Boston Globe), and his human partner, PI Bernie Little.

Spencer Quinn has joined us on the blog today to talk about what inspired this new, festive installment to the Chet & Bernie series!


What inspired me to write It’s A Wonderful Woof, the new Chet and Bernie holiday novel? I’m afraid my answer will be hidden in a thicket of digressions and caveats. For example, while it is a holiday novel, the main holiday in the story is Christmas. But there’s also a Hanukkah scene that’s one of my favorite passages in the book. Warning – be aware that the writer can never be sure of what will be a favorite passage before it’s written, and may also be mistaken even after.

Then there’s the whole issue of inspiration – where it comes from, how to make it happen, whether to trust it. And more important and also a bit chilling: is it dangerous to start exploring this territory? What if the inspiration mechanism isn’t fond of being explored, and curls up in a ball at the first sign that digging is getting near?

And what about this? Does a Christmas/Hanukkah themed novel suit the world of Chet and Bernie? Their world – for those who don’t know – is one of crime solving. Chet and Bernie are a crime solving duo out West, mostly in Arizona, if Chet has gotten that fact right. Chet, partner of Bernie, the private detective, narrates the story. Notice I didn’t say he tells the story. That’s because he’s a dog – as canine a dog as I can make him – and therefore can not talk. But as anyone who knows dogs can tell you, they have a narrative of what’s going on unspooling in their minds. That’s what’s on the page in the Chet and Bernie novels. 

Their stories – and I’m not the first to say this – have a beating heart, a spirit, an engine at the center. It’s the love between Chet and Bernie. So let’s throw some random words around, or call them key words if you like: spirit, Christmas, love, holiday, heart, Hanukkah. Presto! The theme fits the world. Like the kind of gloves that don’t need to be returned on the twenty-sixth. A solid foundation is in place. Now all that’s needed is the inspiration: Hey! How about a holiday novel with C&B?

Long bike rides are good coaxers of inspiration. So are long showers, or long swims – it’s something in the water, no doubt. Or, to take a more superficially mundane example, a call might come from an editor: “Any interest in writing a Christmas/holiday Chet and Bernie novel?” 

Bingo! Inspiration strikes again! You just have to be there.

Get your copy of It’s A Wonderful Woof—available now!

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Download a Free Digital Preview of A Thousand Steps!

Poster Placeholder of - 52Start reading T. Jefferson Parker’s novel A Thousand Steps with a free digital preview! A Thousand Steps will be available January 11, 2022.

About A Thousand Steps:

Laguna Beach, California, 1968. The Age of Aquarius is in full swing. Timothy Leary is a rock star. LSD is God. Folks from all over are flocking to Laguna, seeking peace, love, and enlightenment.

Matt Anthony is just trying get by.

Matt is sixteen, broke, and never sure where his next meal is coming from. Mom’s a stoner, his deadbeat dad is a no-show, his brother’s fighting in Nam . . . and his big sister Jazz has just gone missing. The cops figure she’s just another runaway hippie chick, enjoying a summer of love, but Matt doesn’t believe it. Not after another missing girl turns up dead on the beach.

All Matt really wants to do is get his driver’s license and ask out the girl he’s been crushing on since fourth grade, yet it’s up to him to find his sister. But in a town where the cops don’t trust the hippies and the hippies don’t trust the cops, uncovering what’s really happened to Jazz is going to force him to grow up fast.

If it’s not already too late.

Download Your Free Digital Preview:

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Come Celebrate the Publication of A Bathroom Book with Joe Pera and Joe Bennett!

Joe Pera of Joe Pera Talks With You (Adult Swim), has been lauded for his warmhearted comedic stylings, and has been on Comedians to Watch lists from New York MagazinePaste, Esquire, and more. Now, together with illustrator Joe Bennett, he’s excited to present his first book! A Bathroom Book for People Not Pooping or Peeing but Using the Bathroom as an Escape combines Joe Pera’s cozy comedy and Joe Bennett’s darkly playful illustrations, creating a funny and sincere guide to regaining calm and confidence when you’re hiding in the bathroom from the world’s stresses.

Join Pera and Bennett in a special virtual conversation to celebrate the book’s launch Thursday, November 18, 7:00 PM EST.  Joe and Joe will be signing an exclusive bookplate for the first 100 books sold through each of our bookstore partners.

Anderson’s Bookshop | Off the Beaten Path Bookstore | Fountain Bookstore | Tattered Cover

 


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The cozy comedy of Joe Pera meets the darkly playful illustrations of Joe Bennett in A Bathroom Book for People Not Pooping or Peeing But Using the Bathroom as an Escape, a funny, warm, and sincere guide to regaining calm and confidence when you’re hiding in the bathroom.

Joe Pera goes to the bathroom a lot. And his friend, Joe Bennett, does too. They both have small bladders but more often it’s just to get a moment of quiet, a break from work, or because it’s the only way they know how to politely end conversations.

So they created a functional meditative guide to help people who suffer from social anxiety and deal with it in this very particular way. Although, it’s a comedic book, the goal is to help these readers:

  1.  Relax
  2. Recharge
  3. Rejoin the world outside of the bathroom

It’s also fun entertainment for people simply hiding in the bathroom to avoid doing work.

A Bathroom Book for People Not Pooping or Peeing But Using the Bathroom as an Escape will be waiting in the bathroom like a beacon for anxious readers looking to feel calm, confident, and less alone.

A Bathroom Book for People Not Pooping or Peeing but Using the Bathroom as an Escape will be available on November 16th, 2021.

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Books to Read This Fall, Based on Your Latest Binge Watch

By Lizzy Hosty

With all the new content lately, it’s easy to get sucked into a series and binge the whole show. After catching up on the latest season of a popular show or watching an intense limited series with twists and turns, check out the books we suggest below to complement your watching experience!


If you love You then try Her Perfect Life

Image Placeholder of - 13If you use social media, then you’ve probably seen the memes from You (season 3) floating around right now. And rightfully so! This gripping series showcases what happens when charming yet awkward crushes become something even more ominous and obsession goes a little too far. If you’re a fan of You, then we promise you’ll love Hank Phillippi Ryan’s latest novel, Her Perfect Life, which is a thrilling story about a successful and beloved television reporter who has it all. But to keep it, all she has to do is protect one life-changing secret: Her own. While You poses the question: “What would you do for love?,” Her Perfect Life poses the question: “How much will she risk to keep her perfect life?” And both have the same sinister answer: “Everything.”

If you love The Undoing, then try I Don’t Forgive You

Poster Placeholder of - 72If you couldn’t get enough of watching Nicole Kidman (and her gorgeous coats) as the successful psychologist watching her world fall apart in a twisty murder mystery, then make I Don’t Forgive You your next read. Allie Ross thinks she has it all – career, family, new house in the suburbs. But it all comes crashing down when she is suspected of murdering one of her new neighbors. This page-turner about a mother’s desperate attempts to keep her life together is a ride you won’t forget. 

If you love Mare of Easttown, then try And Now She’s Gone

Place holder  of - 73After you finish watching the twists and turns of Mare of Easttown, be sure to check out And Now She’s Gone by Rachel Howzell Hall. Both Mare and Grayson Sykes have to make tough decisions to try and find people who may or may not be missing – and both will have you on the edge of your seat trying to figure out just what is the truth and what is deception.

 

If you love The Great British Baking Show, then try The Lights of Sugarberry Cove

Placeholder of  -38Are you someone who likes to try their hand at creative baking and finding new recipes? Do you have a sweet tooth that you’re always looking to satisfy? Or do you perhaps like to wind down at the end of the day by focusing on some good, wholesome content? If any of these apply to you, then we heartily suggest you check out The Lights of Sugarberry Cove by Heather Webbera delightful book about family dynamics, healing, love, small town Southern charm, good food, and a touch of lake magic. And while you’re at it, you can accompany it by watching episodes of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix because it’s equally as wholesome and endearing! 

If you love Joe Pera Talks With You, then try A Bathroom Book for People Not Pooping or Peeing but Using the Bathroom as an Escape

Image Place holder  of - 81If you’re a fan of Joe Pera’s cozy comedy Joe Pera Talks With You  on Adult Swim, then it’s a no-brainer that you’ll love his first book. Here you’ll find all the wholesome, deadpan comedy you’ve come to expect from Joe. But you’ll also be delighted to find Joe Bennett’s illustrations that bring the book to life. This charming little read will not only make you feel good, it will make you feel better. Who doesn’t love a bit of sincerity along with silliness?

If you love Hallmark holiday movies, then try An Irish Country Yuletide or It’s a Wonderful Woof

Have you found yourself ready to skip straight to the holiday season and watch cozy Christmas Hallmark movies? You are not alone! Hallmark started their Christmas countdown on October 22nd, which means it is now totally acceptable to start drinking eggnog and hanging stockings. While you sit by the fireplace, be sure to grab either It’s a Wonderful Woof by Spencer Quinn or An Irish Country Yuletide by Patrick Taylor, two delightful holiday treats!

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