After reading Starter Villain by John Scalzi, we’re questioning the villainous capabilities of our cats. Could they be secretly working for a supervillain? And why are they suddenly all reading Starter Villain? Let’s investigate.
Name: [REDACTED], Brooklyn, NY
Crime: 17 years of careful manipulation to get everything she desires—with just a slight tilt of the head and a little chirrup: Treats, check. Select morsels of chicken, check. The comfy part of the couch to herself, check. It’s time to stop thinking little and expand this empire!
Name: Bandit
Crime: Running a complicated phone scam to get credit card numbers to order cat nip!
Name: Kaz “Dirtypaws” [LAST NAME REDACTED]
Crime: Breaking into a bag of fresh, New York style bagels to get a bite of those good good carbs, then leaving the gnawed on baked good on the middle of the kitchen floor. Challenge for dominance over the kitchen territory has been received, Kaz.
Name: Jimbo—food pirate.
Crime: Loves hanging off the tables with one arm hanging down to go fishing for the dog. 6487644357 counts of attempted cannibalism of his sister. Horrible table manners–we call him Shovelface because he doesn’t bite, he scoops. Likes to scream at the ravens on the roof.
Name: Daisy
Crime: Has two modes, Crazy Daisy and Lazy Daisy, which is to say, that she’s a demon who lives in our house and sometimes is sleepy. Will break anything in pursuit of flashes of light and/or flies and/or laser pointer. 6487644357 counts of actual murder. Might be able to fly. Tiny kitten thinks of nothing but murder all day. DO NOT TRUST THIS CAT, SHE’S THE MODERN EQUIVALENT OF NIBBLER. Simply too cute—public safety hazard. Perfect 100000/10, no notes.
Name: Bandit (editor’s note: two Bandit cats on staff…can’t be a good sign…)
Crime: Staging a Heist of a Robber Baron’s Gold, also Stealing Valuables (Namely Fridge Magnets).
Conclusion: These cats are all villains…but also the best boys and girls in the world. Their crimes are all pardoned on account of extreme fluffiness.
Order Starter Villain Here
