How to Survive an Adventurer Attack: A Guide for Dragons
Welcome to Dragon Week: Tokyo Drift, a celebration of all things Dragon!
In 2019, we asked our smart and wily dragon experts (AKA our staff) an extremely important question: how would you survive a dragon attack?
But in 2020, we decided this isn’t entirely fair to our poor dragon friends, so we took a different angle and asked our conquering heroes: how would you survive an ADVENTURER attack?
The results: CHAOTIC. The advice: ON POINT. The presentation: FIRE (literally…things got a little toasty over here).
Help us take a look back at ‘How to Survive an Adventurer Attack 101’!
Jordan Hanley, Marketing Manager:
Natassja Haught, Marketing Coordinator:
Sneeze on them (they will drown in the mucus).
Dakota Griffin, Production-Editorial Coordinator:
Okay, real talk my scaly brethren: have you ever been smacking around some adventurers trying to steal your rightfully acquired hoard, burning ’em up real good, getting them all slashed up and bloody, and then–out of nowhere–they start getting un-crispy and un-bloody, like that’s a thing they’re allowed to do? Have you ever noticed the one squishy little snack, standing in the back, waving their tiny arms about and squawking, but not even making any fireballs or lightning bolts or anything? Hold onto your horns, because it turns out that all that arm waving and noise making is what’s undoing your diligent adventurer crisping and smashing. Talk about rude. You want to make your appointment to burn that town by the river to ashes next weekend? Eat the one in the back first. Then see what the sword-swingers and the lightning-callers think of you.
a cat, Marketing Coordinator:
; )
Ruoxi Chen, Editor:
Have they come to my lair to seek my wisdom and then inevitably turned on me because humans are weak and fallible creatures with short-sighted needs? Then it’s really on them to survive me. If it’s my bad because I got hungry and ate the wrong person’s kid, then I’d throw up my immortal pearl, take my human form, and blend into the crowd until it blew over.
Caro Perny, Publicity Manager, Tor Books:
I roll for seduction. Paint me like one of your French dragons, you wily adventurer, you.
Rachel Taylor, Marketing Manager, Tor Books:
I would take the below inspiration from legend and inspiration, Ron Swanson.
If I can’t see them, they can’t see me! 🙂
Sarah Pannenberg, Marketing Coordinator, Tor Teen/Forge Books/Nightfire:
I would politely invite the adventurer for afternoon tea, during which I would charm them into believing that I’m a harmless, kind-hearted dragon. Turns out I slipped poison in their tea, take that silly adventurer >:)
a bunch of raccoons in a trench coat, Senior Marketing Manager, Tor Books:
Sup, dragons. It’s me. Ya boi. I’ve got the advice you need to get those pesky adventurers to stop blowing up your spot.
Consider adopting yourself a human. Sure. They can be messy, smelly, and greedy for your gold, but they can be steadfast and loyal if properly trained. Having them around is a good deterrent to human attacks, and they usually can be taken care of with a bit of digestible protein, caffeine, books, and healthcare. If that doesn’t work, try stacking several possums on top of each other in a trenchcoat. Slightly less effective as a deterrent but you can feed them garbage so they’re also lower maintenance.
Julia Bergen, Associate Marketing Manager, Tor/Forge/Tor Teen/Starscape:
Bribe them with some of my gold. I’ve got plenty. If I want I can burn them and take it back later. A dragon’s gotta leave her options open for the future.
Sanaa Ali-Virani, Editorial Assistant, Tor Books/Forge Books/Tor.com Publishing:
Assess them for worthiness. Preferably through the use of convoluted slime traps and careful(ish) stair climbing. If they meet our august standards, they may be permitted to learn the Dance of the Dragons. And if they do not… Well. One does not simply walk away from the original firebenders.
